wassup big A!!
i am so into anime right now. especially INUYASHA. the cartoon is so hip and funk man.. you should watch it yourself. ARTS CENTRAL: 2330. I know it's a lil late for children so not for me. YEAH! The anime series rocks like hell. aLL in favour say ANIME! haha. i own a VCD series but it's not complete yet. cos im still looking for "MARS" the VCD series starring ZaiZai & Da S of Meteor Garden. Anyone with info on where i can get them.. pls pls pls email me: khadradcliffe@hotmail.com subject: MARS FOR KHAD. like that. other than that life has me smiling always these days and i'm loving it. back to school soon and im fanatical about it. wahaha. anyways.. remember if anyone reads this and knows where i can get MARS the VCD not CHOCOLATE.. email me. i'm searching always. i guess im smiling becos of mark. nice guy. perfect qualities. he's a god. a goofy one thou.
Loving Inuyasha & Kagome,
ZaiZai & Da S
Forever...
oh yeah.. and mark too
khad
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
hello world
hello world. guess who's back?
sorrie for not blogging in for a long time. things have been super crazy for me right now and i dont have any explanation for it. well mark has been in contact. which is the only great thing in my life right now. everything else is peachy. friends are olright. family is going haywire and i am going nuts. maybe i am nuts. hahaha. i miss mark like crazy. mark if u are reading.. hi baby! missed ya voice and well.. i missed you. [muacks]. hello dublin! happy christmas to you. jingle into a blessed 2005 mark. be happy always. any way back to singapore, the weather is a havoc here, one minute rainy..the other sunny..just like my moods. i got my mobile back. my computer's crashed! damn thing olways screws up whenever i needed it the most. im at school now. with ain. ET and CATWOMAN visits NYP for A Festive Greeting. okay..im into INUYASHA these days. it's a cartoon. japanese anime. it's cool granny has yet to coem back from holiday. i miss her alot.. i have no one to disturb when she's no around. love her...miss her.. i went shopping with my parents this week and i m so dead beat..so is my wallet.. it's $0.00 in my wallet right now. talk about broke. well..monay is not the problem right now.. nothing is. so im quite happy..im stress free.. i miss mark...miss mark and oh yah i olmost forgot... I MISS MARK A KELLY!!!!!
Prof. Khad. MBBS. PhD In Bitchiology
SHE'S BACK!
University Of Gotham Cats.
sorrie for not blogging in for a long time. things have been super crazy for me right now and i dont have any explanation for it. well mark has been in contact. which is the only great thing in my life right now. everything else is peachy. friends are olright. family is going haywire and i am going nuts. maybe i am nuts. hahaha. i miss mark like crazy. mark if u are reading.. hi baby! missed ya voice and well.. i missed you. [muacks]. hello dublin! happy christmas to you. jingle into a blessed 2005 mark. be happy always. any way back to singapore, the weather is a havoc here, one minute rainy..the other sunny..just like my moods. i got my mobile back. my computer's crashed! damn thing olways screws up whenever i needed it the most. im at school now. with ain. ET and CATWOMAN visits NYP for A Festive Greeting. okay..im into INUYASHA these days. it's a cartoon. japanese anime. it's cool granny has yet to coem back from holiday. i miss her alot.. i have no one to disturb when she's no around. love her...miss her.. i went shopping with my parents this week and i m so dead beat..so is my wallet.. it's $0.00 in my wallet right now. talk about broke. well..monay is not the problem right now.. nothing is. so im quite happy..im stress free.. i miss mark...miss mark and oh yah i olmost forgot... I MISS MARK A KELLY!!!!!
Prof. Khad. MBBS. PhD In Bitchiology
SHE'S BACK!
University Of Gotham Cats.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
<>
i have no idea what i'm living for!
u see sometimes i think and i wonder about what the hell im doing on earth. i cry for no reason sometimes. i know it's stupid. well maybe im stupid. i dunno. at times im happy and the next moment im burying my head in my hands and weeping my eyes out. perhaps im going crazy. or maybe im olredy crazy. *sighz* i cant seem to keep track of anything right now and i know i am happier on my own but it's just that i'm not used to be on my own. what happened to the old me? what happened to good ol' bitchy khad? im a damn good actress and this is my play. everyone else is my puppet. if everything was alright, i'd be happy. then again, i dont know what im not happy about in the first place. serious? tell me about it. i jus wanna sit down and just talk to myself but im not able to do that you know why? becos everybody thinks khad/kat is happy. thinks that kat/khad doesnt care. that im strong and that i can do it on my own. well YOU ARE SO DEAD WRONG! im the weakest person you can ever meet. it's just an act this bravery. inside actually im very weak. VERY WEAK. i cry alot. im miserable. but i dont want anyone to know. if u think you know me...YOU ARE SO WRONG. SO WRONG. there isnt a person on this face of the earth that i have been honest to about how i feel and what i'm thinking of. NO ONE. Not as long as you are human or breathing or alive. NOPE.
u see sometimes i think and i wonder about what the hell im doing on earth. i cry for no reason sometimes. i know it's stupid. well maybe im stupid. i dunno. at times im happy and the next moment im burying my head in my hands and weeping my eyes out. perhaps im going crazy. or maybe im olredy crazy. *sighz* i cant seem to keep track of anything right now and i know i am happier on my own but it's just that i'm not used to be on my own. what happened to the old me? what happened to good ol' bitchy khad? im a damn good actress and this is my play. everyone else is my puppet. if everything was alright, i'd be happy. then again, i dont know what im not happy about in the first place. serious? tell me about it. i jus wanna sit down and just talk to myself but im not able to do that you know why? becos everybody thinks khad/kat is happy. thinks that kat/khad doesnt care. that im strong and that i can do it on my own. well YOU ARE SO DEAD WRONG! im the weakest person you can ever meet. it's just an act this bravery. inside actually im very weak. VERY WEAK. i cry alot. im miserable. but i dont want anyone to know. if u think you know me...YOU ARE SO WRONG. SO WRONG. there isnt a person on this face of the earth that i have been honest to about how i feel and what i'm thinking of. NO ONE. Not as long as you are human or breathing or alive. NOPE.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Life's confusion led KAT to killed KATHY.
Kathy died for a reason.
kit’s birth was a mistake.
the two never could co-exist.
the truth is, Kat killed Kathy.
the story goes like so..
everyone loved Kathy because she loves everyone.
she falls in love, she falls out of love.
she gets hurt, she cries then she loves again.
she loved all her friends and always wanted them to smile.
Kathy became a toy to all her friends.
she listened to all of them.
got into trouble for them and she still loved them.
Kat’s birth was a mistake in the first place.
one that never should have taken place.
a deceit. a lie. a despicable lie.
but this mistake had a purpose in life.
she hated all that had to do with love.
Kat perceived love to a weakening factor.
something which takes away someone's will.
love deprives one the strength and determination.
that was what Kat perceived love to be.
that was why Kat hated Kathy.
Kat thought Kathy was weak. she did.
Kathy was always crying about love.
worrying about love. being happy about love.
happy about something that was going to make her cry.
Kat thought Kathy was stupid. she did.
falling in and out of love. day in day out.
always in search of something that will break her.
one fine day, Kathy fell in love. deeply in love.
she was happy for quite awhile.
Kat thought she'd give up the chase and let Kathy settle down.
so Kat left. feeling some what dissatisfied. she doesn’t know why.
Kat left miserable. because she has lost her direction. she did.
now that Kathy was settled, Kat gave up.
another fine day Kathy jus had to fall. she did.
Kathy fell out of love. seriously broken.
Kathy cried and broke. she did.
she was so weak she could hardly stand.
she cried so much she could hardly breathe.
she was so tired she could hardly sleep.
Kat didn’t leave Kathy to settle only to see her get hurt again.
Kat got angry. she got very angry.
why did Kathy have to have a heartbreak?
it made life difficult for herself. it did.
Kat couldn’t stand weaklings so she despise Kathy.
so much that it caused a rage within her.
so much that it burns her black when she sees Kathy.
so much anger did she have for Kathy. she did.
storm brew within Kat. a war broke out too.
she got so confused she was infuriated.
Kat was infuriated beyond imagination.
glasses smashed with burning rage.
arson bleached and engulfed Kat’s mind.
she cannot distinguish right from wrong.
Kat fled to a wilted Kathy. she did.
not a moment to lose. Kathy was dead in a matter of seconds.
she lay in a pool of blood. Kathy did.
Kat’s hand was stained with Kathy’s blood.
all over. Kat sat down pondering and smiling.
it was all over. Kathy was dead. no more tears.
hahaha. an evil crackle rang in Kat’s head.
I’m in control. Kathy is dead. she died for a reason.
a reason only she and Kat knew.
a secret which only the two of them knew.
a shared past now that Kathy is dead.
now that Kathy is dead, Kat will be Kathy.
Kat is Kat, but she will take Kathy’s place.
Kat will take Kathy’s place with her own twist.
Kathy died for a reason which only Kat knows,
Kat’s birth was a mistake which only Kathy understands.
do you?
Prof.Khad.MBBS.PhD.
University of PsychoSadisticism.
Gorham City
Copyright of Cat-Puter TM
Kathy died for a reason.
kit’s birth was a mistake.
the two never could co-exist.
the truth is, Kat killed Kathy.
the story goes like so..
everyone loved Kathy because she loves everyone.
she falls in love, she falls out of love.
she gets hurt, she cries then she loves again.
she loved all her friends and always wanted them to smile.
Kathy became a toy to all her friends.
she listened to all of them.
got into trouble for them and she still loved them.
Kat’s birth was a mistake in the first place.
one that never should have taken place.
a deceit. a lie. a despicable lie.
but this mistake had a purpose in life.
she hated all that had to do with love.
Kat perceived love to a weakening factor.
something which takes away someone's will.
love deprives one the strength and determination.
that was what Kat perceived love to be.
that was why Kat hated Kathy.
Kat thought Kathy was weak. she did.
Kathy was always crying about love.
worrying about love. being happy about love.
happy about something that was going to make her cry.
Kat thought Kathy was stupid. she did.
falling in and out of love. day in day out.
always in search of something that will break her.
one fine day, Kathy fell in love. deeply in love.
she was happy for quite awhile.
Kat thought she'd give up the chase and let Kathy settle down.
so Kat left. feeling some what dissatisfied. she doesn’t know why.
Kat left miserable. because she has lost her direction. she did.
now that Kathy was settled, Kat gave up.
another fine day Kathy jus had to fall. she did.
Kathy fell out of love. seriously broken.
Kathy cried and broke. she did.
she was so weak she could hardly stand.
she cried so much she could hardly breathe.
she was so tired she could hardly sleep.
Kat didn’t leave Kathy to settle only to see her get hurt again.
Kat got angry. she got very angry.
why did Kathy have to have a heartbreak?
it made life difficult for herself. it did.
Kat couldn’t stand weaklings so she despise Kathy.
so much that it caused a rage within her.
so much that it burns her black when she sees Kathy.
so much anger did she have for Kathy. she did.
storm brew within Kat. a war broke out too.
she got so confused she was infuriated.
Kat was infuriated beyond imagination.
glasses smashed with burning rage.
arson bleached and engulfed Kat’s mind.
she cannot distinguish right from wrong.
Kat fled to a wilted Kathy. she did.
not a moment to lose. Kathy was dead in a matter of seconds.
she lay in a pool of blood. Kathy did.
Kat’s hand was stained with Kathy’s blood.
all over. Kat sat down pondering and smiling.
it was all over. Kathy was dead. no more tears.
hahaha. an evil crackle rang in Kat’s head.
I’m in control. Kathy is dead. she died for a reason.
a reason only she and Kat knew.
a secret which only the two of them knew.
a shared past now that Kathy is dead.
now that Kathy is dead, Kat will be Kathy.
Kat is Kat, but she will take Kathy’s place.
Kat will take Kathy’s place with her own twist.
Kathy died for a reason which only Kat knows,
Kat’s birth was a mistake which only Kathy understands.
do you?
Prof.Khad.MBBS.PhD.
University of PsychoSadisticism.
Gorham City
Copyright of Cat-Puter TM
Monday, November 01, 2004
Sunday, October 31, 2004
<>
you left, again and there is absolutely nothing i can can do.
but to stare at night skies and wonder.
wonder is this is the end for us. the end of us.
day by day we drift further apart.far apart.
you keep running off, i keep running after.after you.
it's cold , painful and lonely without you.very cold.
like all life has been taken away.there is no point.
why cant we be like before?loving and loved.
have you found another?or are you tired of me?
this time i wont cry.my resilience will take me thru.
i'll run thru sonatra like i did.like i did before.
sonatra cannot stop me from living.neither can you.
kathy died for a reason. kat's birth was a mistake.
nevertheless i dont regret.not in my vocabulary.
i'll overcome everything that stands between us.everything.
even anyone, even sonatra, even time. even you
time has taken sonatra into it's clutches.tightly.
sonatra embraces me.i try running away.
trapped in a world, not mine but none.different world.
everything is blank.everything is spinning so fast.
i lost.lost control of myself, lost control of you.lost you.
you are spinning away from me.drifting away like before.
like always.i'll run in circles after you.i always do.
life wasnt a symbol of light until you came.
you shone like a star and twinkled like a diamond.
now i losy that star, gone is that diamond.
lost all, lost you, lost again, lost in sonatra.
but to stare at night skies and wonder.
wonder is this is the end for us. the end of us.
day by day we drift further apart.far apart.
you keep running off, i keep running after.after you.
it's cold , painful and lonely without you.very cold.
like all life has been taken away.there is no point.
why cant we be like before?loving and loved.
have you found another?or are you tired of me?
this time i wont cry.my resilience will take me thru.
i'll run thru sonatra like i did.like i did before.
sonatra cannot stop me from living.neither can you.
kathy died for a reason. kat's birth was a mistake.
nevertheless i dont regret.not in my vocabulary.
i'll overcome everything that stands between us.everything.
even anyone, even sonatra, even time. even you
time has taken sonatra into it's clutches.tightly.
sonatra embraces me.i try running away.
trapped in a world, not mine but none.different world.
everything is blank.everything is spinning so fast.
i lost.lost control of myself, lost control of you.lost you.
you are spinning away from me.drifting away like before.
like always.i'll run in circles after you.i always do.
life wasnt a symbol of light until you came.
you shone like a star and twinkled like a diamond.
now i losy that star, gone is that diamond.
lost all, lost you, lost again, lost in sonatra.
"sonatra creeps thru like a fog.engulfing me in my own fears, drowning me in my own tears."
Monday, October 25, 2004
exams & computers
hello..finally able to enter new posts online again...but guess what? I just formatted my stupid computer! it was running to slow with jams here and there.. i had to do it..it's ok now but my PICTURES are GONE!! gone with the wind.. was studying 1033 jus now.. more to cover then i tot.. i havent even started on 1027.. but i will..lol.. ok see ya soon
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
<>
Stupid tuesday is here. im in the computer lab with stupid jason on my left. lessons are over and im going home soon. tot i'd drop by and fill in my blog. so here it goes. we had sociology 1st then clinical lab session.. damn..i owe a stupid person a treat at swenson.. well anyway.. he deserved it. anyway..im like super disgusted. dun ask me who.. u should know.. im not going to say..i dont want to get in to trouble right now...ok? anyway.. i changed my blog templates and song..YEah!! Finally..been trying to upload the bloody song since forever..! Thank god! anyway.. fasting for almost a week now.. so far so good. if it wasnt been for that stupid person...i would have a perfect fast...WITHOUT VULGARITIES!!!! really...some pple are just URGH i dunno wad!! hey hey hey i heard this frm dr param.. he said.. pple who fast..live longer life!! thank god.. i knew VIRGINS dun die early!! hehehe! Justice league is officially up..haha..i know it sounds stupid but we do have a couple of stupid pple in it..so it makes sense..anyway.. i gtg kill pple now..so..Tata..
Adios Amigo!
Adios Amigo!
Friday, October 08, 2004
Fridayz..Like Never Before
This has got to be the worst friday i have ever experienced. First of all. i beagn my day with sociology presentation. lessons end at 1900 today, the lessons are all boring, i m sleepy, i wanna go home...does it look good or what?NOT!! Urgh! it's disgusting. i have never hated friday like this before! it's horrid! it's despicable!!! ITS DETESTABLE~!!!
there is no way this day could get any worse could it? well well well...school is damn boring. thank god there's food and friends[most of them]. the presentation went well..fido wasnt ard..diarrhoea...lol maybe ila pinched a lil too hard...he started to auscaltate everything out thru his ass.. anyway..get well soon.
" The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
" The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Moonlight Sonatra Speaks
an empty space, an empty mind.
you get scared, terrified u panic.
fear embraces you, choking you.
defensive, you run.
you keep running, as fast as you can.
scared you run, as fast as your legs could carry you.
you cry you run into an empty space,
with absolutely nowhere to go.
with no idea what you are running from
into an empty space you wander.
everywhere bland and white.
everything is dead, everything except you
but then u realize, that you are the only thing there.
you dont even know where you are
why you ended up where you are
how you even got there.
then you remember it all
the same sorrow, misery and foreboding torture
enveloping you once agin, tightenning your mind and soul
the heart cramps, wrenched into a wadded paper.
you stand still, you freeze.
you stood still whilst the world spun.
the world spinning madly against you
what did u ever do wrong? what have u done?
u are so confused, dazed and dizzy
the world was spinning wild
faster than you could ever imagine
faster than anything else
everyinch of you was tearing apart.
death seems such a delightful option.
you start running, faster than ever before,
you faster into the bland white space
no shadows, no reflection, no water, no food
jus white, white, white light and you
you cry tears flowing without a reason
without sorrows, without misery of any known, you cry.
you dont understand anything at all.
what am i running from?
where am i running to?
whay am i running away?
how much longer can i run?
unanswered and stil running. from nothing
bland white, you sweat in panic, your body weakens.
you run still not knowing how much longer can you last.
cry, run, for your survival. but against what?
you cry for help, but there's none but you.
you scream, lungs at the verge of explosion.
you scream, in silence. heard by none. bcos there is none. not even you shadows
the pain was horrid but you still kept going
pain was excruciating. never ending
you remember your mistakes, the pain you've caused.
the pple u've hurt and used.
the hearts you have broken, the people you have wronged.
greater pain as you recall. be it if u die
you hoped they'd forgive you. you understand their cries.
their fears, misery, torture, misfortune.
you wished you could have helped.
sonatra in the moonlight, you wished no one else would have to go thru
the pain you are feeling right now.
never. because it is too cruel for any man to take.
everything dims, you awake, scared.Never.
you get scared, terrified u panic.
fear embraces you, choking you.
defensive, you run.
you keep running, as fast as you can.
scared you run, as fast as your legs could carry you.
you cry you run into an empty space,
with absolutely nowhere to go.
with no idea what you are running from
into an empty space you wander.
everywhere bland and white.
everything is dead, everything except you
but then u realize, that you are the only thing there.
you dont even know where you are
why you ended up where you are
how you even got there.
then you remember it all
the same sorrow, misery and foreboding torture
enveloping you once agin, tightenning your mind and soul
the heart cramps, wrenched into a wadded paper.
you stand still, you freeze.
you stood still whilst the world spun.
the world spinning madly against you
what did u ever do wrong? what have u done?
u are so confused, dazed and dizzy
the world was spinning wild
faster than you could ever imagine
faster than anything else
everyinch of you was tearing apart.
death seems such a delightful option.
you start running, faster than ever before,
you faster into the bland white space
no shadows, no reflection, no water, no food
jus white, white, white light and you
you cry tears flowing without a reason
without sorrows, without misery of any known, you cry.
you dont understand anything at all.
what am i running from?
where am i running to?
whay am i running away?
how much longer can i run?
unanswered and stil running. from nothing
bland white, you sweat in panic, your body weakens.
you run still not knowing how much longer can you last.
cry, run, for your survival. but against what?
you cry for help, but there's none but you.
you scream, lungs at the verge of explosion.
you scream, in silence. heard by none. bcos there is none. not even you shadows
the pain was horrid but you still kept going
pain was excruciating. never ending
you remember your mistakes, the pain you've caused.
the pple u've hurt and used.
the hearts you have broken, the people you have wronged.
greater pain as you recall. be it if u die
you hoped they'd forgive you. you understand their cries.
their fears, misery, torture, misfortune.
you wished you could have helped.
sonatra in the moonlight, you wished no one else would have to go thru
the pain you are feeling right now.
never. because it is too cruel for any man to take.
everything dims, you awake, scared.Never.
Monday, September 27, 2004
..:::Today in Life Of Khadiology:::..
I really dun have anything to wory about now. Now that I know you are happy, I won't interfere. I won't come in your way. I won't hang around. It's not possible, it never was. I wonder why I even bothered in the first place.. Don't worry, I won't cry, because I don't have any tears left to spare. I won't fear because I'm so strong.
You leave, that's fine with me. but don't ever come back. Don't you dare! Don't, because I don't want to hate you, I don't. Just leave quietly and make your presence unknown. I'll forgo everything that we shared, everything that we had. Don't ask me why and don't ask me how come. It's just the way it is ok? Just the way it is.
You don't do the asking of questions here because I have no answers for them. You don't ask me why I did it because you don't have the right to, not anymore. Never you mind how I will carry on. Never you mind if or not I will be ok. Never you mind all that. Never you mind. If I have to break myself, to find the peace to carry on, I will, I can handle it. I don't need you to be my strength, not anymore. Not anymore! You hear me?!
You don't have to stay arount to make sure that I'm alright. You don't have to. I didn't lose anything. Because I cannot lose something that isn't mine in the first place. It's funny how I really feel..neither sad nor angry. Not even disappointed. How come? I was looking forward to be happy, I never was until now. Until now..
It isn't worth wondering who will win now, because I already have, I always do. This, I have told you before. I Won. I'm not just comforting myself. I never had to. Never had.
You leave, that's fine with me. but don't ever come back. Don't you dare! Don't, because I don't want to hate you, I don't. Just leave quietly and make your presence unknown. I'll forgo everything that we shared, everything that we had. Don't ask me why and don't ask me how come. It's just the way it is ok? Just the way it is.
You don't do the asking of questions here because I have no answers for them. You don't ask me why I did it because you don't have the right to, not anymore. Never you mind how I will carry on. Never you mind if or not I will be ok. Never you mind all that. Never you mind. If I have to break myself, to find the peace to carry on, I will, I can handle it. I don't need you to be my strength, not anymore. Not anymore! You hear me?!
You don't have to stay arount to make sure that I'm alright. You don't have to. I didn't lose anything. Because I cannot lose something that isn't mine in the first place. It's funny how I really feel..neither sad nor angry. Not even disappointed. How come? I was looking forward to be happy, I never was until now. Until now..
It isn't worth wondering who will win now, because I already have, I always do. This, I have told you before. I Won. I'm not just comforting myself. I never had to. Never had.
"Leave From My Sight. Go Away. Leave me..and NEVER come back."
"Because I Don't Wish To Hate You, I Don't..So Just Go..Just Go"
..::[Khad]::..
Prof Khad.MBBS.
PhD In Bitchiology
University Of Gotham City
Thursday, August 26, 2004
::Morning Blast::
Smilez..
sun is shining at last. Light has entered my life finally. Make me smile and brightened my day..so much happiness i am scared. Could the greatest sorrows be nearby? Do I deserve this happiness that i am feeling?but i never want to be sad again...Someone help. but even when i am expressing these worries, i am smiling..bcos i am happy..So much light has shone that i think can never frown again. never be broken again...but thats not possible is it? I'll always break, im im lucky, into two.. anywaysz...I'll just enjoy this moment, bcos For A Moment Like This, I've Gone thru Pain and Horror. TataZ~
sun is shining at last. Light has entered my life finally. Make me smile and brightened my day..so much happiness i am scared. Could the greatest sorrows be nearby? Do I deserve this happiness that i am feeling?but i never want to be sad again...Someone help. but even when i am expressing these worries, i am smiling..bcos i am happy..So much light has shone that i think can never frown again. never be broken again...but thats not possible is it? I'll always break, im im lucky, into two.. anywaysz...I'll just enjoy this moment, bcos For A Moment Like This, I've Gone thru Pain and Horror. TataZ~
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
::Happily::
I am so damned happy today!!
- I passed my clinical assessment: "Thanks Ms Kamala Devi"
- I have this really nice necklace and hu it was from? Malia! Thanx Gurl.
- I have cut classes[no tutorial today]
- I have no school tmr cos i've done my assessment today..Lalala.
- I'm going to the BBQ next tuesday..Haha
A hatrick. Scored THREE in ONE day. Anyway, school was so fun today.I just found out that someone was gone yesterday. My concolensces..Ok! Listen up you people. Those Who Hate ME.. Loathe Me, Despise ME..Ive only got one thing to say to you about that!
"Kill Me?HELL...I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT!!"
Love & Loved.
Khad
Monday, August 23, 2004
.:::Khadiology Speaks Out The Truth:::.
Sadity has gone by me,
Leaving me with nothing but
Lust, pain & misery..
.::Bitchiology::.
The Only thing that is stopping me
from killing me, is YOU.
Your death will mean mine.
Every second longer you live is
Me walking on a Bed Of Nettles,
Each step more painful than the last..
.:::Khadiology::.
[My Immortal Is Going Under]
Leaving me with nothing but
Lust, pain & misery..
.::Bitchiology::.
The Only thing that is stopping me
from killing me, is YOU.
Your death will mean mine.
Every second longer you live is
Me walking on a Bed Of Nettles,
Each step more painful than the last..
.:::Khadiology::.
[My Immortal Is Going Under]
::..::Love Is Such Wonder::..::
Love is a many splendour. Whoever said that had to die a happy man. Bcos love doesnt work that way anymore. You love, you break, you cry, you fall.. Never again.
The heart tears and shatters, time is taken to heal the wounds, the eyes get swollen, the heart keeps aching, the soul is searching.
And when all else fails, you turn to suicide. The end of all things, including your life. Nothing seems to be worth living anymore. No one seems to be worth living for. All hope has died, all dreams have shattered, all else has failed. Why should you go on? You have to. You cant live without him, you cant die without being loved by him. Your soul is tortured. Screaming, tearing itself apart..
So close yet so far. Reachable, but never there.
So RAGE burns..The heart is as stoned as ICE. You move never wanting to love again. You say I will never. You grow stronger and colder everyday. The world is spinning at your command and will stop as you wish it will. You rule the entire universe with your anger and conquer every battle there is with love.
You dont wish to get hurt again. So you shut out everyone from your heart. None will you love, none will you hold dear. What has the world gone to, you say. Loving! Is that all they can think of?
Then you see the beauty of love, nature and earth. How the world revolves around with it. The universe spins at the willpower of love. One you can never match. A power and force you cannot match. You never can. You realize that this retaliation will not get you far, but u still fight.
A war has broken in yourself. Once again, the heart is torn apart not by him, but by love instead. Just Solely Love. A WAR!! Every batlle won, is every Wound found. You cannot do anything about it.
You dont have the power, because the wise once said..
"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR"
Saturday, August 21, 2004
::AfterMath::
Hello..17 and 1 day..
Feels happy..feel refresh.dunno wad to say..currently talking to Jason on the phone..hang up olredy..anyway..yesterday was a blast..frens came to NYP and had a lil lunch together. JUst Jas, Kumar & Me..Malia was not feeling well lah dei...thts y she wasnt there. My frens gave me some really cool stuff..Sally gave some really expensive stuff.. then shikin gave me this really cool small..wallet card..nenek brought me a new discman, gramps bought a snowbeanie whale..an Oral B giggling toothbrush and a jewelery box. asmah gave me a winnie the pooh baby doll and a small piglet keychain. VERY CUTE...CT, my sweetest, gave me a perfume bottle... HOW VERY SWEET OF THEM... i was so happy i almost felt guilty.. i miss achik very much yesterday night...i cried..because her children did exactly what she did. They nve forgot..they were there..i felt her there with me..she was around smiling with me.. i had to kiss her children..i love them with all my heart as well as my grampies of course..love them to death.. will never break them..
LOvE yOu GuYs LoadS YahZ..ThaNx TO aLL ThT has MaDe My BdAe YsTeRdaE..
Khad.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Happy BarfDae To Me
hello finally 17, finally 20 Aug 2004..
Hahaha..anyway, im at home, very with the rest of the world. He did not even..never mind. Here are barfdae wishes:
Hahaha..anyway, im at home, very with the rest of the world. He did not even..never mind. Here are barfdae wishes:
- To Be Happy All The Time.
- To See My Family, healthy, happy and quarrel free.
- All to be happy and united.
- No more fights, no more blurs.
- School to be enjoyable and fun always.
- My cat just typed b & v on the com
- Haha..I wish to stay this happy..
- Secret wish: To have just one chance to see HER just one more time..Even in my dreams..to hold her and just see her. I miss her a lot.. SO i wanna see her just one more time..Just once.Even in my dreams would be ok... Miss you achik. wish youwere here. It feelsn so bad without you..
- Then i want to have world peace!! PEACE OUT!!
Thursday, August 19, 2004
:: Contented With Life ::
hello there sweet babey,
school was excellent today..how can it not be..with pple like ain, adnan, warric, sally, pei fen, nicholas, shikin, ila, jasmine..and of course my sweet darlin abang, JaWorm[Racheal Jason Chua] how can i not be contented with life. tmr's the big day. nothign fancy just a simple lalala and heyheyhey.. thats all..no lah..was just thinking of family celebration tmr and i hope i can do a lil twist to the family..2nd barfdae without my beloved achik.. it has been a blast living with her.. now she's gone..i'll always miss her but i'll miss her the most when it is my birthday or hers. in fact in any happy moments..she'll be there.. i noe it..watching over me.. i noe she is.. just that i dun see her..[most of the time]....so c'est la vie..that's life.. u love them..then u lose them... it's like that..you can never have something or someone u love for long...so happy moments come and go..
*KhaD*
school was excellent today..how can it not be..with pple like ain, adnan, warric, sally, pei fen, nicholas, shikin, ila, jasmine..and of course my sweet darlin abang, JaWorm[Racheal Jason Chua] how can i not be contented with life. tmr's the big day. nothign fancy just a simple lalala and heyheyhey.. thats all..no lah..was just thinking of family celebration tmr and i hope i can do a lil twist to the family..2nd barfdae without my beloved achik.. it has been a blast living with her.. now she's gone..i'll always miss her but i'll miss her the most when it is my birthday or hers. in fact in any happy moments..she'll be there.. i noe it..watching over me.. i noe she is.. just that i dun see her..[most of the time]....so c'est la vie..that's life.. u love them..then u lose them... it's like that..you can never have something or someone u love for long...so happy moments come and go..
*KhaD*
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Grrrr....Whips!
I am So mad!!
Can you believe it? 5 days.. 5 Days! I didnt talk to him and he puts Away when he comes online!!Replied..but only for 3 minutes!What the hall is going on inside the man's head? Well, i've missed him obviously and urgh! i dunno wad to sae, what to do about it.. perhaps just to leave it like that.It's so sickenening...It breaks my heart..i told him he'll do it, i told him he'll break my heart. urgh...haiz...nothing to say..love makes u high when u do...kills you when u dont.. well i have got school later..at 12 noon..so will catch ya later if there are any updates..i really missed you mark..
Can you believe it? 5 days.. 5 Days! I didnt talk to him and he puts Away when he comes online!!Replied..but only for 3 minutes!What the hall is going on inside the man's head? Well, i've missed him obviously and urgh! i dunno wad to sae, what to do about it.. perhaps just to leave it like that.It's so sickenening...It breaks my heart..i told him he'll do it, i told him he'll break my heart. urgh...haiz...nothing to say..love makes u high when u do...kills you when u dont.. well i have got school later..at 12 noon..so will catch ya later if there are any updates..i really missed you mark..
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
.:: Professor Signs In 17::.
3 days to go..
Hahaha..My bdae is coming soon On channel 5.. cheh..no lah..
anyway.. happy days..u noe wad..?I just discovered something new.. NR0401 is a class with laughing dysfunction.. Ain, shikin & Ila all have a serious problem..their distinctive laughter which rings in my head everytime i think of them.. hahaha....anyway.. im so happy today..three days to go..tmr onli got one hour of school..cos pple got practical assessment. today i had sociology test..MCQ..it was ok.. didnt have much problem..i think.. ok..see ya..Ciao Bella..Oh BTw...Im still missing Mark..Lovez..
Hahaha..My bdae is coming soon On channel 5.. cheh..no lah..
anyway.. happy days..u noe wad..?I just discovered something new.. NR0401 is a class with laughing dysfunction.. Ain, shikin & Ila all have a serious problem..their distinctive laughter which rings in my head everytime i think of them.. hahaha....anyway.. im so happy today..three days to go..tmr onli got one hour of school..cos pple got practical assessment. today i had sociology test..MCQ..it was ok.. didnt have much problem..i think.. ok..see ya..Ciao Bella..Oh BTw...Im still missing Mark..Lovez..
Monday, August 16, 2004
Sad, Sad, Sad...
It has been ages since i last talked to Mark. Dreamt about him yesterday..i miss him alot alot.. sob Sob..anyways, yesterday was just basically staying at home and not duin much...bored myself to death with books on scitzophrenia and psychiatry...the books were damned good. anyway..im really into that stuff.. hehe. looks like ive planned my future career. guess. anyway..mark..i miss you loads and loads.. miss tokin to ya...miss chattin with ya..missed ya tha most. *sigh* Anyway, i have school today and mom forgot my pocket money.. again..stupid..have to go to granny's to get it...how dumb and tiring.. ok...catha some other time...
Signing off,
.::Professor Of Bitchiology::.
Signing off,
.::Professor Of Bitchiology::.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
::||\Living a Life I Loath/||::
hearing things inside my head...
today i went to watch CATWOMAN at Tampines GV, with Ain, Adnan, JaWorm and Ah Boi.. it was ok lah..nothing special or anything just wanted to catcha movie. it was after the mask fitting..can u believe that pei fen came at 0930+ instead of the 0900 schedule? haha.. then we did the mask spray test or wadeva..DISGUSTING..all hu can still remember the taste in ur throat and feel nauseastic say AYE!!! it was that horrible yahz..anyway i went o granny hse today and i just came back home...fever gone and no rashes..so hopefully i dun have dengue.. 06 days to go lah..17 in06 days...haha..ok thts it for today.."THEY" are asking me to stop right here ladies and gentleman....Khad
today i went to watch CATWOMAN at Tampines GV, with Ain, Adnan, JaWorm and Ah Boi.. it was ok lah..nothing special or anything just wanted to catcha movie. it was after the mask fitting..can u believe that pei fen came at 0930+ instead of the 0900 schedule? haha.. then we did the mask spray test or wadeva..DISGUSTING..all hu can still remember the taste in ur throat and feel nauseastic say AYE!!! it was that horrible yahz..anyway i went o granny hse today and i just came back home...fever gone and no rashes..so hopefully i dun have dengue.. 06 days to go lah..17 in06 days...haha..ok thts it for today.."THEY" are asking me to stop right here ladies and gentleman....Khad
Friday, August 13, 2004
....cont'd...Scritzophrenia...
...i see dead people..they disturb me but there's nothing that i can do..it's not something trivial..but there's no one that can help. None..i'm all alone.. thts the way life is..alone and dark. it gets worse when i feel weak.. it gets worse when i m alone. a freak..walking seeing things tht others dont and pretending they are not there when they just look at me. Scritzophrenia...thts wat the doctors said it was.. nothing fancy..lay man's term...I see dead pple.. it hurts..because no one believes me.. no one knows about it...now u do...so wad? you're gonna call me a freak too?
Fever, Sick & Aches
Helo, 13 Aug it is..
Wwll, im not going to school today, bcos i am sick.fever with temperature of 38.9 deg.cel, and i am aching all over. i feel a lil better this morning, fever has subsided and everything else is still there. skipping school, was not wat i wamted but but the bloody doc gave me an MC and asked me to stay at home and fully rest. so i will. so i will....poly is like so very tedious. i was sick probably due to themany homeworks and presentations we have to do yah...too hectic.. especially with exams coming up for me in week 7 & 8.. boy is it a killer.. but i will be missing a lot of lectures today bcos of that stupid doctor..but nvm..at least i get the rest i so longed for...ok thts abt it for this entry..see ya..tata..
Khad
Wwll, im not going to school today, bcos i am sick.fever with temperature of 38.9 deg.cel, and i am aching all over. i feel a lil better this morning, fever has subsided and everything else is still there. skipping school, was not wat i wamted but but the bloody doc gave me an MC and asked me to stay at home and fully rest. so i will. so i will....poly is like so very tedious. i was sick probably due to themany homeworks and presentations we have to do yah...too hectic.. especially with exams coming up for me in week 7 & 8.. boy is it a killer.. but i will be missing a lot of lectures today bcos of that stupid doctor..but nvm..at least i get the rest i so longed for...ok thts abt it for this entry..see ya..tata..
Khad
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
.:\Tired And Blushing/:.
well well well...another hectic day..was in school till 1930...studying..believe it? you'd better cos i really was lah..er..actually today's entry was supposed to be about the Mr Marc A Kelly but i was browsing thru the net and i saw kumar's friendster display pic..
He was with JB..jun bin..the cute ex.. haha. i was er..how should i sae this..impressed?attracted? ok..
he grew cuter.. so cute...ok not cute..handsome..heart racing.. well it was so.. damn handsome now lor.. tick tock...bop bop bop[heartbeat] anyways..memories are coming back but lol.. we both gotta move on.. let it be just the memories and me lah..any frens reading this.. forget it ok..it's just a momentarily thingy... but still find him DAMN handsome now...whatever it is.. pic above.. the one in blue...beside is my bro..kumar.. ok?
Heart still pain...stupid me..ARGH!! why why why...hand itchy go and open the stupid page.. but nvm la.. see liao...heart race liao..nvm..ok thts it...[heart still beating]....
Khad
He was with JB..jun bin..the cute ex.. haha. i was er..how should i sae this..impressed?attracted? ok..
he grew cuter.. so cute...ok not cute..handsome..heart racing.. well it was so.. damn handsome now lor.. tick tock...bop bop bop[heartbeat] anyways..memories are coming back but lol.. we both gotta move on.. let it be just the memories and me lah..any frens reading this.. forget it ok..it's just a momentarily thingy... but still find him DAMN handsome now...whatever it is.. pic above.. the one in blue...beside is my bro..kumar.. ok?
Heart still pain...stupid me..ARGH!! why why why...hand itchy go and open the stupid page.. but nvm la.. see liao...heart race liao..nvm..ok thts it...[heart still beating]....
Khad
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
-=Bitchiology=-
ok... 10 august it is..loving morning and wad better way to start my day with mark..Lalala Dee Dum.. Haha..any way i had a great weekend. around family members. they were here all weekend i was so happy.. eating and laughing.. prime minister Goh Chok Tong was leaving this year...m quite sad about it... he did a great job "bringing Singapore up" and would continue to do so if it hadnt been for a take over..darn. Well, cheers to the man and god bless him. Yam Seng! actuallie i wanted to cry when he gave his National day message yesterday. Seriously patriotic yesterday and maybe more years to come.. Home.. No place like it.
erm anyway im quite fed up about havin to go to school today...S***....my bros are still sleeping man...wont wake till 2pm er so.. D***!! Why wHy WhY?! wad kind of system is this? tertiary instuitions should be given fair treatment!! Why wHy WhY!! Why the cruelty..wouldnt kill to have another day off..aye? Anyway.. school doesnt end till 1800 today! Can u believe that?! Urgh! I cant. i hope i leave b4 those brats wake up..or they'll be the death of me.. ok thts it..will fill ya in when i have the time.
ok... 10 august it is..loving morning and wad better way to start my day with mark..Lalala Dee Dum.. Haha..any way i had a great weekend. around family members. they were here all weekend i was so happy.. eating and laughing.. prime minister Goh Chok Tong was leaving this year...m quite sad about it... he did a great job "bringing Singapore up" and would continue to do so if it hadnt been for a take over..darn. Well, cheers to the man and god bless him. Yam Seng! actuallie i wanted to cry when he gave his National day message yesterday. Seriously patriotic yesterday and maybe more years to come.. Home.. No place like it.
erm anyway im quite fed up about havin to go to school today...S***....my bros are still sleeping man...wont wake till 2pm er so.. D***!! Why wHy WhY?! wad kind of system is this? tertiary instuitions should be given fair treatment!! Why wHy WhY!! Why the cruelty..wouldnt kill to have another day off..aye? Anyway.. school doesnt end till 1800 today! Can u believe that?! Urgh! I cant. i hope i leave b4 those brats wake up..or they'll be the death of me.. ok thts it..will fill ya in when i have the time.
Saturday, August 07, 2004
-=[Khadiology: Remembers a lost love!]=-
as dated from journal: 15th June 2003
I am moving on..new start, new life. Happy with friends, celebrity life, new boyfriend. it was like a whole new ne...except deep wounds still remained. everything old i threw and wanted to start a fresh. Seriusly i threw it all.. but no matter how hard i try, no matter how bz or occupied i was, in a big crowd, or esp when i was alone, she never really went away. She was still there. for me, for us, even thou she's no longer ard.
when i m in a crowd, i see her face, the ever smiling woman i have ever, or will ever noe in my life. sometimes i think i that see her at every turn i make, walking ard the corner, going away. sometimes just a couple of metres away from her, but whenever i make a move to come closer or each out for her, she drifts, she goes away from me. it happens everytime i take a step closer. it gets worse in the dark, when i am asleep. i get to see her, feel her, know that she's always there watching. when im alone in the dark, she be watching...keeping me company..sometimes ard..watching over my safety. wishing doesnt do much. but sometimes i just wished that i could have a minute with her. to talk to her. to ask her if she went away knowing i loved her. to tell im sorry i didnt went over to her house the night before she died. it feels quite distant knowing that i can no longer hear her , feel her, hug her, kiss her, feel her warmth and touch. a determined strong willed woman.not to mention filial and responsible.
Let me tell you...bring u to her death bed... 10th June 2003, 0351
My heart beats fast. Memories flocked my mind, regret and gratefulness swipe over me. there isnt anything in this world that i wouldnt give other than my kin, just to see her again...even if it is just for a day. Why didnt i go and see her when she wanted to... she knew she was going..she knew.. and she tried telling me.. she wanted to see me before she died.. but my selfishness ..
I woke up that night in the wee hours of the morning, all restless, a foreboding cloud of bad omen embracing me. everyone was in a rush. the world was spinning madly, so fast. i felt so rushed, my adrenaline of fear and only fear coulded my eys amd surrounded me. my entire universe was spinning by then. thou it was never going to stop. It was her!! SHE WAS LEAVING!!.She was Leaving US!! "
Run KHAD RUN!!! So i ran..
Running out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, running as fast my legs could carry me. i could hear my heart thumping hard aginst my chest. pulse and blood gushed thru my veins rapidly. every single organ and cell in mt body wa sawake and blanketed by fear and worry.
"something wasn't right! something is going!" i refused to be pessimistic and continued my odessy. upon reaching destination, the atmosphere was a mourning, teary and fearful one. as i entered the door, i felt as if my heart was going to pop out of my ribcage. every step i took was like walking on a bed of nettles, each more painful than the last. i was trying to fight back my fears and tears but to no avail. my emotions gave way as i stepped into her room. my parents, grandparents and cousins were all there, reciting from the Quran. she jus lay there stationery, her body was drained from chemotheraphy.even her eyes were already yellow, pupils were dilated her limbs werea s cold as ice. she was just looking towards the wall opposite of her bed. Granny guided her to recite the Syahaddah and she did. i could no longer contain my anger and tears. I held her hand and whispered i love u into her ears and ask for her forgiveness. I held her hand..there at that moment, she closed her eys, took one final breath, she gripped my hand tight and she left. She did...
SHE LEFT US ALL!!
Her lips were no longer moving, her grip loosened her pulse stopped. She was gone. she left us all behind. she left her parents, left her siblings, left her children, she left ME.
her life was a misery, a wonderful woman, led a misery. her only happiness and joy were her children, who loved her dearly, never had a father(that bastard left for jail). She wante to travel more, she wanted to go places. i wanted to show her my Os result, wanted to tell her that i was going to be a nurse like her. i wanted to thank her for motivating me in my O levels. but she had left. she 's gone faraway where mails doent reach. this time her departure, doesnt mean she is not coming back. She cannot come back.
We lost her and felt and empty space in our hearts. Was her departure for the best? If she had stayed, the pain would be greater, she would have to endure more pain living thru each other wondering if she would see sun rise tmr.. Her departure meant that she was free from pain. she didnt have to go thru the greatest pain that was yet to come. She left for a better place. She's done her part on earth. Now, she has to go back.
as dated from journal: 15th June 2003
I am moving on..new start, new life. Happy with friends, celebrity life, new boyfriend. it was like a whole new ne...except deep wounds still remained. everything old i threw and wanted to start a fresh. Seriusly i threw it all.. but no matter how hard i try, no matter how bz or occupied i was, in a big crowd, or esp when i was alone, she never really went away. She was still there. for me, for us, even thou she's no longer ard.
when i m in a crowd, i see her face, the ever smiling woman i have ever, or will ever noe in my life. sometimes i think i that see her at every turn i make, walking ard the corner, going away. sometimes just a couple of metres away from her, but whenever i make a move to come closer or each out for her, she drifts, she goes away from me. it happens everytime i take a step closer. it gets worse in the dark, when i am asleep. i get to see her, feel her, know that she's always there watching. when im alone in the dark, she be watching...keeping me company..sometimes ard..watching over my safety. wishing doesnt do much. but sometimes i just wished that i could have a minute with her. to talk to her. to ask her if she went away knowing i loved her. to tell im sorry i didnt went over to her house the night before she died. it feels quite distant knowing that i can no longer hear her , feel her, hug her, kiss her, feel her warmth and touch. a determined strong willed woman.not to mention filial and responsible.
Let me tell you...bring u to her death bed... 10th June 2003, 0351
My heart beats fast. Memories flocked my mind, regret and gratefulness swipe over me. there isnt anything in this world that i wouldnt give other than my kin, just to see her again...even if it is just for a day. Why didnt i go and see her when she wanted to... she knew she was going..she knew.. and she tried telling me.. she wanted to see me before she died.. but my selfishness ..
I woke up that night in the wee hours of the morning, all restless, a foreboding cloud of bad omen embracing me. everyone was in a rush. the world was spinning madly, so fast. i felt so rushed, my adrenaline of fear and only fear coulded my eys amd surrounded me. my entire universe was spinning by then. thou it was never going to stop. It was her!! SHE WAS LEAVING!!.She was Leaving US!! "
Run KHAD RUN!!! So i ran..
Running out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, running as fast my legs could carry me. i could hear my heart thumping hard aginst my chest. pulse and blood gushed thru my veins rapidly. every single organ and cell in mt body wa sawake and blanketed by fear and worry.
"something wasn't right! something is going!" i refused to be pessimistic and continued my odessy. upon reaching destination, the atmosphere was a mourning, teary and fearful one. as i entered the door, i felt as if my heart was going to pop out of my ribcage. every step i took was like walking on a bed of nettles, each more painful than the last. i was trying to fight back my fears and tears but to no avail. my emotions gave way as i stepped into her room. my parents, grandparents and cousins were all there, reciting from the Quran. she jus lay there stationery, her body was drained from chemotheraphy.even her eyes were already yellow, pupils were dilated her limbs werea s cold as ice. she was just looking towards the wall opposite of her bed. Granny guided her to recite the Syahaddah and she did. i could no longer contain my anger and tears. I held her hand and whispered i love u into her ears and ask for her forgiveness. I held her hand..there at that moment, she closed her eys, took one final breath, she gripped my hand tight and she left. She did...
SHE LEFT US ALL!!
Her lips were no longer moving, her grip loosened her pulse stopped. She was gone. she left us all behind. she left her parents, left her siblings, left her children, she left ME.
her life was a misery, a wonderful woman, led a misery. her only happiness and joy were her children, who loved her dearly, never had a father(that bastard left for jail). She wante to travel more, she wanted to go places. i wanted to show her my Os result, wanted to tell her that i was going to be a nurse like her. i wanted to thank her for motivating me in my O levels. but she had left. she 's gone faraway where mails doent reach. this time her departure, doesnt mean she is not coming back. She cannot come back.
We lost her and felt and empty space in our hearts. Was her departure for the best? If she had stayed, the pain would be greater, she would have to endure more pain living thru each other wondering if she would see sun rise tmr.. Her departure meant that she was free from pain. she didnt have to go thru the greatest pain that was yet to come. She left for a better place. She's done her part on earth. Now, she has to go back.
-=[Khadiology: Crying Is Part Of Learing]=-
She cant, She Doesnt have, She's lost.
She only has one. She feels alone.
She cant walk, not run, she is still...
She doesnt have have the will..
so everybody scolds her.. Everybody did.
She's lost her mother, she is still young.
She hasnt got a father, she only has her young sister.
Taken care of, loved by everyone,
However, everyone needs a mother.
Everyone needs a guardian angel.
I'm glad i still have mine. She does not.
She feels alone, all that she has, reminding her of her mom,
was a letter, a remembrance from her mother,
a message before she left. It was her life,
It was precious. Little did i noe that she turns to that
small piece of letter to make her remember her mother.
i felt so useless and angry at myself for making her remember her mother.
She shouldnt have to..she was all tears yesterday..
The letter, she hugged on to it like it was her life..It is..
Only for her eyes to see, only for her heart to feel.
a young lost a love, the only comfort she knows of.
she's lost a mother. she lost, an orphan.
" Only For Siti, Remember...."
What could i have done to stop her tears and wash away her sorrows?
None. I just stared at the power of a lil letter that made her remember her mother.
there was nothing that i could do.
she had a letter, a final message from her mother before she left..
i didnt have anything but her pictures, memories and a card..
I didnt even had a final chat before she left..
Because i was so selfish, so self-centered and ignorant
Tot she had one more day, tot she had JUST one more day
It was all that i ever needed. I didnt even have that..
I t was all my fault..I treasure wad i have right now..
She cant, She Doesnt have, She's lost.
She only has one. She feels alone.
She cant walk, not run, she is still...
She doesnt have have the will..
so everybody scolds her.. Everybody did.
She's lost her mother, she is still young.
She hasnt got a father, she only has her young sister.
Taken care of, loved by everyone,
However, everyone needs a mother.
Everyone needs a guardian angel.
I'm glad i still have mine. She does not.
She feels alone, all that she has, reminding her of her mom,
was a letter, a remembrance from her mother,
a message before she left. It was her life,
It was precious. Little did i noe that she turns to that
small piece of letter to make her remember her mother.
i felt so useless and angry at myself for making her remember her mother.
She shouldnt have to..she was all tears yesterday..
The letter, she hugged on to it like it was her life..It is..
Only for her eyes to see, only for her heart to feel.
a young lost a love, the only comfort she knows of.
she's lost a mother. she lost, an orphan.
" Only For Siti, Remember...."
What could i have done to stop her tears and wash away her sorrows?
None. I just stared at the power of a lil letter that made her remember her mother.
there was nothing that i could do.
she had a letter, a final message from her mother before she left..
i didnt have anything but her pictures, memories and a card..
I didnt even had a final chat before she left..
Because i was so selfish, so self-centered and ignorant
Tot she had one more day, tot she had JUST one more day
It was all that i ever needed. I didnt even have that..
I t was all my fault..I treasure wad i have right now..
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
-=Anatomy Of Khadiology=-
i'm so in love with him..
this kelly i tell u about.
he is a man, a gentleman.
one u will nvr find even in a million years..
im so lucky...dun noe why all this luck...
but i got lucky and fortunate..
im on cloud nine, he makes me feel that way.
he is one in a google..
smart and funny,
nice and caring..
really a perfect gentleman..
wont find another like him
till the next man in a google.
not for a century, maybe millenium
i can assure you that..
the man's a god..well, im not..
fantasies, fantasies..if u work hard enuf,
fantasies do come true..
mine just had..
in the form of
Marc A Kelly...
i'm so in love with him..
this kelly i tell u about.
he is a man, a gentleman.
one u will nvr find even in a million years..
im so lucky...dun noe why all this luck...
but i got lucky and fortunate..
im on cloud nine, he makes me feel that way.
he is one in a google..
smart and funny,
nice and caring..
really a perfect gentleman..
wont find another like him
till the next man in a google.
not for a century, maybe millenium
i can assure you that..
the man's a god..well, im not..
fantasies, fantasies..if u work hard enuf,
fantasies do come true..
mine just had..
in the form of
Marc A Kelly...
Thursday, July 29, 2004
-=[I Failed Again]=-
It isn't fair the way life is.. Never letting me smile for long. Life has it's ups and downs i know that but, it's ironic that i'm always down.. not fair, not the least bit fair. first i have been failing, not academically, but emotionally.. i have been ever since that stupid LOVE came into my dictionary and life. it lets everything go but the pain and wounds. Now i cry..thrice this week. not my intention too. you know the feeling sometimes, when u cant stand it no longer, you just have to let it go..[the tears] it hurts so much inside, i had to walk away from it all..i just had to.. everything was going down.
im sorry sally, i had to walk away just now to cry at myself for a moment. forgive me. didnt say bye bye to you.. maybe i should to the world. complications run wild in me.. i felt lied to, betrayed by my own feelings, it was all the emotions in the world i felt.. one only has a certain limit to what one can take sally.. you r a very nice friend.. like a big sister to me.. but none has ever been able to read me... not even the closest of the closest to me. dont u bother trying... i was like u unpredictable.. but im much a worst case.. trust me on this.. why, now?! why must it happen now...
i was just trying to be happy... it had to happen.. there had to be that one FUCKER who shook and slapped my emotions... right before my very eyes and i couldnt bare to do anything about it.. bcos sometimes the closest, are the ones who hurts u the most...i felt slapped tight on my face and i was numb to the extent that i couldnt even retaliate back... this is wrong sally... very wrong... i have been making so many smile.. Do i have to give mine up as well? My smile, my laugh, my words and my joy.... giving that up? what m i to live on then...?cry.cry.cry.cry......
It isn't fair the way life is.. Never letting me smile for long. Life has it's ups and downs i know that but, it's ironic that i'm always down.. not fair, not the least bit fair. first i have been failing, not academically, but emotionally.. i have been ever since that stupid LOVE came into my dictionary and life. it lets everything go but the pain and wounds. Now i cry..thrice this week. not my intention too. you know the feeling sometimes, when u cant stand it no longer, you just have to let it go..[the tears] it hurts so much inside, i had to walk away from it all..i just had to.. everything was going down.
im sorry sally, i had to walk away just now to cry at myself for a moment. forgive me. didnt say bye bye to you.. maybe i should to the world. complications run wild in me.. i felt lied to, betrayed by my own feelings, it was all the emotions in the world i felt.. one only has a certain limit to what one can take sally.. you r a very nice friend.. like a big sister to me.. but none has ever been able to read me... not even the closest of the closest to me. dont u bother trying... i was like u unpredictable.. but im much a worst case.. trust me on this.. why, now?! why must it happen now...
i was just trying to be happy... it had to happen.. there had to be that one FUCKER who shook and slapped my emotions... right before my very eyes and i couldnt bare to do anything about it.. bcos sometimes the closest, are the ones who hurts u the most...i felt slapped tight on my face and i was numb to the extent that i couldnt even retaliate back... this is wrong sally... very wrong... i have been making so many smile.. Do i have to give mine up as well? My smile, my laugh, my words and my joy.... giving that up? what m i to live on then...?cry.cry.cry.cry......
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
*Uncertainty*
What is this uncertainty that creeps over me...
It envelops my feelings and mind.
It breaks light into my world,
It overrides the shadows of Goth that bind
This uncertainty scares the living out of me,
I'm smiling and laughing,that is not good.
It's the people arnd me, it's all their fault
Pardon me, I do mean to be rude.
Oh dear...OMG!! Hide Khad Hide!!
Shhh...Love iS here.. It Shouldn't find me!!
You have no idea what it has done to me..
It brings the worst out of me..
It turns me into a lovely person...
People will love me, they will like me..
That is not good mon amour...
When I'm loved and when i love..
I get hurt, people i love get hurt..and they walk out on me..
They leave..
They come, they tried, they loved and then they leave..
Ironic isn't it? Don't you usually love and LIVE?
Not for me it isnt'..i cried so many times,
Crying could be on commmand..i could be sad actress..
Loving is so cruel that i'm afraid to go thru it again..
So when it taps on my window i hide,
Like a demented person i run and crawl away in fear..
But of what I'm Uncertain of..
It is this uncertainty that has ruined my life..
THE UNCERTAINTY FEAR...
What is this uncertainty that creeps over me...
It envelops my feelings and mind.
It breaks light into my world,
It overrides the shadows of Goth that bind
This uncertainty scares the living out of me,
I'm smiling and laughing,that is not good.
It's the people arnd me, it's all their fault
Pardon me, I do mean to be rude.
Oh dear...OMG!! Hide Khad Hide!!
Shhh...Love iS here.. It Shouldn't find me!!
You have no idea what it has done to me..
It brings the worst out of me..
It turns me into a lovely person...
People will love me, they will like me..
That is not good mon amour...
When I'm loved and when i love..
I get hurt, people i love get hurt..and they walk out on me..
They leave..
They come, they tried, they loved and then they leave..
Ironic isn't it? Don't you usually love and LIVE?
Not for me it isnt'..i cried so many times,
Crying could be on commmand..i could be sad actress..
Loving is so cruel that i'm afraid to go thru it again..
So when it taps on my window i hide,
Like a demented person i run and crawl away in fear..
But of what I'm Uncertain of..
It is this uncertainty that has ruined my life..
THE UNCERTAINTY FEAR...
Monday, July 26, 2004
Psycology-Tell me The Truth
-=[Khadology: Anger Is Only An Emotion, Me? I'm REAL]=-
Anger, betrayal and jealousy
tell me the truth.
Friendship burns, relations end,
tell me the truth.
i cry in silence, i have no tears,
i scream quietly, not exactly in fears.
I've been alone all these years.
i always have, all along.
none knows my agony and misery.
none knows my sorrows and sadness..
This heart is wrenched, ripped and tattered,
hopes and dreams fall & shattered.
i live alone in my own world.
i'm sick, none knows, not family nor friends
Low, deep inside i cry, the world sees it not.
i smile, i luff, i cheer, i entertain.
bcos it's all about it this filthy life..
a stage, a playwright..in which the casting
is a horrible one, unjust and unplanned plot.
to do as the director[situation] says so.
a puppet i am, a sad dark clown..
the world does not need to see me as i am..
the real me even scares myself..
Life is a mess, in gold, silver, black and white..
a phantom to roam the stage.
an actress to entertain the world
the laws disappear in an act.
in my world, i wish to live in peace but isnt so...
the clock ticks my sadness away..
my heart beats the misery in me..
it revolves arnd the same idea
nothing else bothers the mind
but sheer anger, jealousy and hate..
your presence will soothe the aches.
but you are not here. i can't complain..
when will u be here?
Er..do i sound like i'm going thru the troubles of love?
Unlikely..I have no love, I am unloved..
i cry..for my love is no longer around...
She's gone gone gone..
I'm Lost lost lost..
Anger, betrayal and jealousy
tell me the truth.
Friendship burns, relations end,
tell me the truth.
i cry in silence, i have no tears,
i scream quietly, not exactly in fears.
I've been alone all these years.
i always have, all along.
none knows my agony and misery.
none knows my sorrows and sadness..
This heart is wrenched, ripped and tattered,
hopes and dreams fall & shattered.
i live alone in my own world.
i'm sick, none knows, not family nor friends
Low, deep inside i cry, the world sees it not.
i smile, i luff, i cheer, i entertain.
bcos it's all about it this filthy life..
a stage, a playwright..in which the casting
is a horrible one, unjust and unplanned plot.
to do as the director[situation] says so.
a puppet i am, a sad dark clown..
the world does not need to see me as i am..
the real me even scares myself..
Life is a mess, in gold, silver, black and white..
a phantom to roam the stage.
an actress to entertain the world
the laws disappear in an act.
in my world, i wish to live in peace but isnt so...
the clock ticks my sadness away..
my heart beats the misery in me..
it revolves arnd the same idea
nothing else bothers the mind
but sheer anger, jealousy and hate..
your presence will soothe the aches.
but you are not here. i can't complain..
when will u be here?
Er..do i sound like i'm going thru the troubles of love?
Unlikely..I have no love, I am unloved..
i cry..for my love is no longer around...
She's gone gone gone..
I'm Lost lost lost..
Sunday, July 25, 2004
-=[My Tortured & Unanswered Soul]=-
-=[My Tortured & Unanswered Soul]=-
So restless, so tortured this soul,
without a reason i shattered.
it felt like i can never again be whole.
my heart was ripped and tattered,
My emotions were toyed and battered.
No reason to cry, for i've not got any tears,
No need to shout, for i have not got any fears..
So what keeps my head spinning,
my eyes tearing, my mouth swearing?
my heart breaking, stomach churning,
dreams shattering, hopes falling,
this agony is burning, so hot it's killing,
this uncertainty makes me feel like dying..
Dying, would be an awfully big adventure and journey
But to leave i have not got the courage in me.
to part with the ones i love and care,
it doesnt seem deserving to them, life is not being fair.
I'm tortured every second a clock is ticking,
i'm ripped and shattered so long as my heart is beating.
till i not know what caused my agony
i will breathe and live peacefully.
always in search of answers for my questions,
forever seeking replacements for my tortured emotions..
i have not got the courage to question me,
if or not the troubles, were troubles of love.
But how can it possibly be? I am not loved.
Not meant to Be since birth..
Living was as good as dying..
Dying, was not possible..
i'm too tired to cry, too tired to love.
i've not got any tears left,
not much much love either...
So restless, so tortured this soul,
without a reason i shattered.
it felt like i can never again be whole.
my heart was ripped and tattered,
My emotions were toyed and battered.
No reason to cry, for i've not got any tears,
No need to shout, for i have not got any fears..
So what keeps my head spinning,
my eyes tearing, my mouth swearing?
my heart breaking, stomach churning,
dreams shattering, hopes falling,
this agony is burning, so hot it's killing,
this uncertainty makes me feel like dying..
Dying, would be an awfully big adventure and journey
But to leave i have not got the courage in me.
to part with the ones i love and care,
it doesnt seem deserving to them, life is not being fair.
I'm tortured every second a clock is ticking,
i'm ripped and shattered so long as my heart is beating.
till i not know what caused my agony
i will breathe and live peacefully.
always in search of answers for my questions,
forever seeking replacements for my tortured emotions..
i have not got the courage to question me,
if or not the troubles, were troubles of love.
But how can it possibly be? I am not loved.
Not meant to Be since birth..
Living was as good as dying..
Dying, was not possible..
i'm too tired to cry, too tired to love.
i've not got any tears left,
not much much love either...
Friday, July 23, 2004
Funny Mr Fido Dido
Lol...i was so tickled at lunch just now..was having a "class lunch" together with a bunch of mad people. u cant imagine how mad they were.. There's warric the porn freak.. nicholas the gay no 1. then ma qiang.. adnan the pei fen hubby.. ain..pei fen of corse[ who was bickering with ain & jasmine over adnan(for the love of me i dunno why?!?!)] then there's sally.. shikin..princess ila.. and mr fido dido and of course i was there too.. haha.. it was funny.. first we attacked warric.. all the way.. then adnan.. it was cool.. the bond was so there.. you cant imagine how happy i was.. laughing and all teary.. at warric's stupidity.. hhahahaha.. thanx guys.. even in moments of devastation which was hid from the world..they manage to make my heart content.. thx guys.. it did me a world of good..
Funny NYP
today was like super crazy at lunch.. who was there? Crazy nutcases of course.. pple like warric.. the porn freak.. Jason Andy Chua[mr fido dido]..lol.. nicholas and Ma qiang.. jasmine, adnan, pei fen, ain, princess ila, shikin, sally and of course me...fun time.. we trashed warric's stupidity all the way.. cos he is like always talking bout sex...oh no i know... then there's nicholas and his never ending nonsense.. the highlight of course the four way relationship.. pei fen is with adnan... adnan "loves" pei fen.. adnan is interested in jasmine.. ain is like adnan's scandal.. pei fen is chasing after everr gurl tht gets in the way.. LOL...hahhahaha the drama was even better than lightyears i tell you. NYP's very own lightyears... hahaha.. at food junction... then mr fido dido.. jason "andy" chua... the skaterMAT... haha sounds malay and thinks he's Andy lau....i know.. sicko er wat...? hahaha.. then sally was like always throwing pen at me everytime i irritated her... haha...lol. i was in complete devastation...hid behind my mask and away from the world.. my shattered heart in an enclosed box.. in pieces.. however.. these nuts was able to content me to the brim.. fixed my broken heart even for awhile but it was worth the moment.. i felt floaty and happy..really happy...
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Illusion..Confusion....
i m so confused.. have u loved someone but liked another?well it is so...this like dude..he's like not good looking but nice. he's not a god like MARK is.. but he's charming.. MArk's also charming... but i'm not attracted to this particular guy like mark.. just allured to him. hehe. i feel so guilty. and like this dude.. he's freaky.. wow..i mean how could i? i still have mark in mind.. but i'm like allured to this guy...!! HELP!!!
Monday, July 19, 2004
Life and it's bitchyness
hey there.
second entry. was chatting with mark last sunday morning. the fella is a god. i m nowhere near. he is a dream come true. i must have done something super good to deserve someone like him. he is super nice, super gentleman, superman, super cute[in my eyes] and the best thing abt him is that he's mark, just mark.. and i love it.
surprised that he takes interest in me. the other best thing abt Mark is tht he is still single and waiting for me.[i hope] but no promises..Promises are very dangerous things and i wanna stay away from it as far as possible. but so far he ihas been keeping his promises. i'm so happy. He makes me so happy.. i hope this good thing doesnt end.. Love ya MArk[thou i might not know the full meaning of love]
second entry. was chatting with mark last sunday morning. the fella is a god. i m nowhere near. he is a dream come true. i must have done something super good to deserve someone like him. he is super nice, super gentleman, superman, super cute[in my eyes] and the best thing abt him is that he's mark, just mark.. and i love it.
surprised that he takes interest in me. the other best thing abt Mark is tht he is still single and waiting for me.[i hope] but no promises..Promises are very dangerous things and i wanna stay away from it as far as possible. but so far he ihas been keeping his promises. i'm so happy. He makes me so happy.. i hope this good thing doesnt end.. Love ya MArk[thou i might not know the full meaning of love]
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Welcome
Heloo..this is like ny first blog enty and like i have yan wei to thank you first.. well so far.. i have gone thru primary school life, secondary and currently in poly, school of health science and in nursing..
it's not that bad. school of hs nursing rocks..especially when u are in NR 0401.. you go guys.. funny pple like Ain, Shikin, pei fen, sally, jamilah, malliga, elena, jasmine, zarina.. the boys.. jason, nicholas, adnan, warric(ain's) and ma qiang( case of the ex).
so these pple are like the joke of the class..inclusive of me. well thta's it for intro.. you'll know me as we go along.. oh i'm in love with this bloke, Mark. He's damned cute. borwn hair and blue eyed. my best friends are like, kai ruo, malia, kumar & jaslyn. Love ya. muacks.
it's not that bad. school of hs nursing rocks..especially when u are in NR 0401.. you go guys.. funny pple like Ain, Shikin, pei fen, sally, jamilah, malliga, elena, jasmine, zarina.. the boys.. jason, nicholas, adnan, warric(ain's) and ma qiang( case of the ex).
so these pple are like the joke of the class..inclusive of me. well thta's it for intro.. you'll know me as we go along.. oh i'm in love with this bloke, Mark. He's damned cute. borwn hair and blue eyed. my best friends are like, kai ruo, malia, kumar & jaslyn. Love ya. muacks.
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