-=[I Failed Again]=-
 

                   It isn't fair the way life is.. Never letting me smile for long. Life has it's ups and downs i know that but, it's ironic that i'm always down.. not fair, not the least bit fair. first i have been failing, not academically, but emotionally.. i have been ever since that stupid LOVE came into my dictionary and life. it lets everything go but the pain and wounds.  Now i cry..thrice this week. not my intention too. you know the feeling sometimes, when u cant stand it no longer, you just have to let it go..[the tears] it hurts so much inside, i had to walk away from it all..i just had to.. everything was going down.
                  im sorry sally, i had to walk away just now to cry at myself for a moment. forgive me. didnt say bye bye to you.. maybe i should to the world. complications run wild in me.. i felt lied to, betrayed by my own feelings, it was all the emotions in the world i felt.. one only has a certain limit to what one can take sally.. you r a very nice friend.. like a big sister to me.. but none has ever been able to read me... not even the closest of the closest to me.  dont u bother trying... i was like u unpredictable.. but im much a worst case.. trust me on this..  why, now?! why must it happen now...
                 i was just trying to be happy... it had to happen.. there had to be that one FUCKER who shook and slapped my emotions... right before my very eyes and i couldnt bare to do anything about it.. bcos sometimes the closest, are the ones who hurts u the most...i felt slapped tight on my face and i was numb to the extent that i couldnt even retaliate back... this is wrong sally... very wrong... i have been making so many smile.. Do i have to give mine up as well? My smile, my laugh, my words and my joy.... giving that up? what m i to live on then...?cry.cry.cry.cry......

Scares Even Myself Sometimes But This Is Me And How I Feel Inside, All Dark, Scared And Running All The TIme... 

*Uncertainty*
What is this uncertainty that creeps over me...
It envelops my feelings and mind.
It breaks light into my world,
It overrides the shadows of Goth that bind
This uncertainty scares the living out of me,
I'm smiling and laughing,that is not good.
It's the people arnd me, it's all their fault
Pardon me, I do mean to be rude.
 
Oh dear...OMG!! Hide Khad Hide!!
 
Shhh...Love iS here.. It Shouldn't find me!!
You have no idea what it has done to me..
It brings the worst out of me..
It turns me into a lovely person...
People will love me, they will like me..
That is not good mon amour...
When I'm loved and when i love..
I get hurt, people i love get hurt..and they walk out on me..
They leave..
 
They come, they tried, they loved and then they leave..
Ironic isn't it? Don't you usually love and LIVE?
Not for me it isnt'..i cried so many times,
Crying could be on commmand..i could be sad actress..
Loving is so cruel that i'm afraid to go thru it again..
So when it taps on my window i hide,
Like a demented person i run and crawl away in fear..
But of what I'm Uncertain of..
It is this uncertainty that has ruined my life..
THE UNCERTAINTY FEAR...
 

Psycology-Tell me The Truth

-=[Khadology: Anger Is Only An Emotion, Me? I'm REAL]=-

Anger, betrayal and jealousy
tell me the truth.
Friendship burns, relations end,
tell me the truth.
 
i cry in silence, i have no tears,
i scream quietly, not exactly in fears.
I've been alone all these years.
i always have, all along.
none knows my agony and misery.
none knows my sorrows and sadness..
This heart is wrenched, ripped and tattered,
hopes and dreams fall & shattered.
i live alone in my own world.
i'm sick, none knows, not family nor friends
Low, deep inside i cry, the world sees it not.
i smile, i luff, i cheer, i entertain.
bcos it's all about it this filthy life..
a stage, a playwright..in which the casting
is a horrible one, unjust and unplanned plot.
to do as the director[situation] says so.
a puppet i am, a sad dark clown..
the world does not need to see me as i am..
the real me even scares myself..
 
Life is a mess, in gold, silver, black and white..
a phantom to roam the stage.
an actress to entertain the world
the laws disappear in an act.
in my world, i wish to live in peace but isnt so...
 
the clock ticks my sadness away..
my heart beats the misery in me..
it revolves arnd the same idea
nothing else bothers the mind
but sheer anger, jealousy and hate..
your presence will soothe the aches.
but you are not here. i can't complain..
when will u be here?
 
Er..do i sound like i'm going thru the troubles of love?
Unlikely..I have no love, I am unloved..
i cry..for my love is no longer around...
She's gone gone gone..
I'm Lost lost lost..

Sadity in me.. bollywood style.. taken at yuying secondary school art photo studio.. ny qian yi for her art project 

-=[My Tortured & Unanswered Soul]=-

-=[My Tortured & Unanswered Soul]=-

So restless, so tortured this soul,
without a reason i shattered.
it felt like i can never again be whole.
my heart was ripped and tattered,
My emotions were toyed and battered.
No reason to cry, for i've not got any tears,
No need to shout, for i have not got any fears..
 
So what keeps my head spinning,
my eyes tearing, my mouth swearing?
my heart breaking, stomach churning,
dreams shattering, hopes falling,
this agony is burning, so hot it's killing,
this uncertainty makes me feel like dying..
 
Dying, would be an awfully big adventure and journey
But to leave i have not got the courage in me.
to part with the ones i love and care,
it doesnt seem deserving to them, life is not being fair.
 
I'm tortured every second a clock is ticking,
i'm ripped and shattered so long as my heart is beating.
till i not know what caused my agony
i will breathe and live peacefully.
always in search of answers for my questions,
forever seeking replacements for my tortured emotions..
 
i have not got the courage to question me,
if or not the troubles, were troubles of love.
But how can it possibly be? I am not loved.
Not meant to Be since birth..
 
Living was as good as dying..
Dying, was not possible..
i'm too tired to cry, too tired to love.
i've not got any tears left,
not much much love either...

Funny Mr Fido Dido

Lol...i was so tickled at lunch just now..was having a "class lunch" together with a bunch of mad people. u cant imagine how mad they were.. There's warric the porn freak.. nicholas the gay no 1. then ma qiang.. adnan the pei fen hubby.. ain..pei fen of corse[ who was bickering with ain & jasmine over adnan(for the love of me i dunno why?!?!)] then there's sally.. shikin..princess ila.. and mr fido dido and of course i was there too.. haha.. it was funny.. first we attacked warric.. all the way.. then adnan.. it was cool.. the bond was so there.. you cant imagine how happy i was.. laughing and all teary.. at warric's stupidity.. hhahahaha.. thanx guys.. even in moments of devastation which was hid from the world..they manage to make my heart content.. thx guys.. it did me a world of good..

Funny NYP

today was like super crazy at lunch.. who was there? Crazy nutcases of course.. pple like warric.. the porn freak.. Jason Andy Chua[mr fido dido]..lol.. nicholas and Ma qiang.. jasmine, adnan, pei fen, ain, princess ila, shikin, sally and of course me...fun time.. we trashed warric's stupidity all the way.. cos he is like always talking bout sex...oh no i know... then there's nicholas and his never ending nonsense.. the highlight of course the four way relationship.. pei fen is with adnan... adnan "loves" pei fen.. adnan is interested in jasmine.. ain is like adnan's scandal.. pei fen is chasing after everr gurl tht gets in the way.. LOL...hahhahaha the drama was even better than lightyears i tell you. NYP's very own lightyears... hahaha.. at food junction... then mr fido dido.. jason "andy" chua... the skaterMAT... haha sounds malay and thinks he's Andy lau....i know.. sicko er wat...? hahaha.. then sally was like always throwing pen at me everytime i irritated her... haha...lol. i was in complete devastation...hid behind my mask and away from the world.. my shattered heart in an enclosed box.. in pieces.. however.. these nuts was able to content me to the brim.. fixed my broken heart even for awhile but it was worth the moment.. i felt floaty and happy..really happy...

Cool?Hahaha..once a year i go thru the agony of having to wear My baju Kurung.. 

Illusion..Confusion....

i m so confused.. have u loved someone but liked another?well it is so...this like dude..he's like not good looking but nice. he's not a god like MARK is.. but he's charming.. MArk's also charming... but i'm not attracted to this particular guy like mark.. just allured to him. hehe. i feel so guilty. and like this dude.. he's freaky.. wow..i mean how could i? i still have mark in mind.. but i'm like allured to this guy...!! HELP!!!

Life and it's bitchyness

hey there.
second entry. was chatting with mark last sunday morning. the fella is a god. i m nowhere near. he is a dream come true. i must have done something super good to deserve someone like him. he is super nice, super gentleman, superman, super cute[in my eyes] and the best thing abt him is that he's mark, just mark.. and i love it.
surprised that he takes interest in me. the other best thing abt Mark is tht he is still single and waiting for me.[i hope] but no promises..Promises are very dangerous things and i wanna stay away from it as far as possible. but so far he ihas been keeping his promises. i'm so happy. He makes me so happy.. i hope this good thing doesnt end.. Love ya MArk[thou i might not know the full meaning of love]

Mark A. Kelly 

This Is aLike Mark.. The Guys I said about 

Jaslyn: The bestest listener on earth. She has the biggest heart amongst my friends 

My Best Friend: Irmalia Ismail 

Me and Brothers at home: 

This Is Me: Khad Ismail 

Welcome

Heloo..this is like ny first blog enty and like i have yan wei to thank you first.. well so far.. i have gone thru primary school life, secondary and currently in poly, school of health science and in nursing..
it's not that bad. school of hs nursing rocks..especially when u are in NR 0401.. you go guys.. funny pple like Ain, Shikin, pei fen, sally, jamilah, malliga, elena, jasmine, zarina.. the boys.. jason, nicholas, adnan, warric(ain's) and ma qiang( case of the ex).
so these pple are like the joke of the class..inclusive of me. well thta's it for intro.. you'll know me as we go along.. oh i'm in love with this bloke, Mark. He's damned cute. borwn hair and blue eyed. my best friends are like, kai ruo, malia, kumar & jaslyn. Love ya. muacks.