-=[Khadiology: Remembers a lost love!]=-
as dated from journal: 15th June 2003

I am moving on..new start, new life. Happy with friends, celebrity life, new boyfriend. it was like a whole new ne...except deep wounds still remained. everything old i threw and wanted to start a fresh. Seriusly i threw it all.. but no matter how hard i try, no matter how bz or occupied i was, in a big crowd, or esp when i was alone, she never really went away. She was still there. for me, for us, even thou she's no longer ard.
when i m in a crowd, i see her face, the ever smiling woman i have ever, or will ever noe in my life. sometimes i think i that see her at every turn i make, walking ard the corner, going away. sometimes just a couple of metres away from her, but whenever i make a move to come closer or each out for her, she drifts, she goes away from me. it happens everytime i take a step closer. it gets worse in the dark, when i am asleep. i get to see her, feel her, know that she's always there watching. when im alone in the dark, she be watching...keeping me company..sometimes ard..watching over my safety. wishing doesnt do much. but sometimes i just wished that i could have a minute with her. to talk to her. to ask her if she went away knowing i loved her. to tell im sorry i didnt went over to her house the night before she died. it feels quite distant knowing that i can no longer hear her , feel her, hug her, kiss her, feel her warmth and touch. a determined strong willed woman.not to mention filial and responsible.

Let me tell you...bring u to her death bed... 10th June 2003, 0351

My heart beats fast. Memories flocked my mind, regret and gratefulness swipe over me. there isnt anything in this world that i wouldnt give other than my kin, just to see her again...even if it is just for a day. Why didnt i go and see her when she wanted to... she knew she was going..she knew.. and she tried telling me.. she wanted to see me before she died.. but my selfishness ..

I woke up that night in the wee hours of the morning, all restless, a foreboding cloud of bad omen embracing me. everyone was in a rush. the world was spinning madly, so fast. i felt so rushed, my adrenaline of fear and only fear coulded my eys amd surrounded me. my entire universe was spinning by then. thou it was never going to stop. It was her!! SHE WAS LEAVING!!.She was Leaving US!! "
Run KHAD RUN!!! So i ran..
Running out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, running as fast my legs could carry me. i could hear my heart thumping hard aginst my chest. pulse and blood gushed thru my veins rapidly. every single organ and cell in mt body wa sawake and blanketed by fear and worry.
"something wasn't right! something is going!" i refused to be pessimistic and continued my odessy. upon reaching destination, the atmosphere was a mourning, teary and fearful one. as i entered the door, i felt as if my heart was going to pop out of my ribcage. every step i took was like walking on a bed of nettles, each more painful than the last. i was trying to fight back my fears and tears but to no avail. my emotions gave way as i stepped into her room. my parents, grandparents and cousins were all there, reciting from the Quran. she jus lay there stationery, her body was drained from chemotheraphy.even her eyes were already yellow, pupils were dilated her limbs werea s cold as ice. she was just looking towards the wall opposite of her bed. Granny guided her to recite the Syahaddah and she did. i could no longer contain my anger and tears. I held her hand and whispered i love u into her ears and ask for her forgiveness. I held her hand..there at that moment, she closed her eys, took one final breath, she gripped my hand tight and she left. She did...
SHE LEFT US ALL!!
Her lips were no longer moving, her grip loosened her pulse stopped. She was gone. she left us all behind. she left her parents, left her siblings, left her children, she left ME.
her life was a misery, a wonderful woman, led a misery. her only happiness and joy were her children, who loved her dearly, never had a father(that bastard left for jail). She wante to travel more, she wanted to go places. i wanted to show her my Os result, wanted to tell her that i was going to be a nurse like her. i wanted to thank her for motivating me in my O levels. but she had left. she 's gone faraway where mails doent reach. this time her departure, doesnt mean she is not coming back. She cannot come back.
We lost her and felt and empty space in our hearts. Was her departure for the best? If she had stayed, the pain would be greater, she would have to endure more pain living thru each other wondering if she would see sun rise tmr.. Her departure meant that she was free from pain. she didnt have to go thru the greatest pain that was yet to come. She left for a better place. She's done her part on earth. Now, she has to go back.