::Morning Blast::

Smilez..
sun is shining at last. Light has entered my life finally. Make me smile and brightened my day..so much happiness i am scared. Could the greatest sorrows be nearby? Do I deserve this happiness that i am feeling?but i never want to be sad again...Someone help. but even when i am expressing these worries, i am smiling..bcos i am happy..So much light has shone that i think can never frown again. never be broken again...but thats not possible is it? I'll always break, im im lucky, into two.. anywaysz...I'll just enjoy this moment, bcos For A Moment Like This, I've Gone thru Pain and Horror. TataZ~

::Happily::

I am so damned happy today!!

1. I passed my clinical assessment: "Thanks Ms Kamala Devi"
2. I have this really nice necklace and hu it was from? Malia! Thanx Gurl.
3. I have cut classes[no tutorial today]
4. I have no school tmr cos i've done my assessment today..Lalala.
5. I'm going to the BBQ next tuesday..Haha

A hatrick. Scored THREE in ONE day. Anyway, school was so fun today.I just found out that someone was gone yesterday. My concolensces..Ok! Listen up you people. Those Who Hate ME.. Loathe Me, Despise ME..Ive only got one thing to say to you about that!

"Kill Me?HELL...I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT!!"

Love & Loved.

Khad

.:::Khadiology Speaks Out The Truth:::.

Sadity has gone by me,
Leaving me with nothing but
Lust, pain & misery..

.::Bitchiology::.

The Only thing that is stopping me
from killing me, is YOU.
Your death will mean mine.
Every second longer you live is
Me walking on a Bed Of Nettles,
Each step more painful than the last..

.:::Khadiology::.
[My Immortal Is Going Under]

::..::Love Is Such Wonder::..::

Love is a many splendour. Whoever said that had to die a happy man. Bcos love doesnt work that way anymore. You love, you break, you cry, you fall.. Never again.

The heart tears and shatters, time is taken to heal the wounds, the eyes get swollen, the heart keeps aching, the soul is searching.

And when all else fails, you turn to suicide. The end of all things, including your life. Nothing seems to be worth living anymore. No one seems to be worth living for. All hope has died, all dreams have shattered, all else has failed. Why should you go on? You have to. You cant live without him, you cant die without being loved by him. Your soul is tortured. Screaming, tearing itself apart..

So close yet so far. Reachable, but never there.

So RAGE burns..The heart is as stoned as ICE. You move never wanting to love again. You say I will never. You grow stronger and colder everyday. The world is spinning at your command and will stop as you wish it will. You rule the entire universe with your anger and conquer every battle there is with love.

You dont wish to get hurt again. So you shut out everyone from your heart. None will you love, none will you hold dear. What has the world gone to, you say. Loving! Is that all they can think of?

Then you see the beauty of love, nature and earth. How the world revolves around with it. The universe spins at the willpower of love. One you can never match. A power and force you cannot match. You never can. You realize that this retaliation will not get you far, but u still fight.

A war has broken in yourself. Once again, the heart is torn apart not by him, but by love instead. Just Solely Love. A WAR!! Every batlle won, is every Wound found. You cannot do anything about it.

You dont have the power, because the wise once said..

"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR"

::AfterMath::

Hello..17 and 1 day..

Feels happy..feel refresh.dunno wad to say..currently talking to Jason on the phone..hang up olredy..anyway..yesterday was a blast..frens came to NYP and had a lil lunch together. JUst Jas, Kumar & Me..Malia was not feeling well lah dei...thts y she wasnt there. My frens gave me some really cool stuff..Sally gave some really expensive stuff.. then shikin gave me this really cool small..wallet card..nenek brought me a new discman, gramps bought a snowbeanie whale..an Oral B giggling toothbrush and a jewelery box. asmah gave me a winnie the pooh baby doll and a small piglet keychain. VERY CUTE...CT, my sweetest, gave me a perfume bottle... HOW VERY SWEET OF THEM... i was so happy i almost felt guilty.. i miss achik very much yesterday night...i cried..because her children did exactly what she did. They nve forgot..they were there..i felt her there with me..she was around smiling with me.. i had to kiss her children..i love them with all my heart as well as my grampies of course..love them to death.. will never break them..

LOvE yOu GuYs LoadS YahZ..ThaNx TO aLL ThT has MaDe My BdAe YsTeRdaE..

Khad.

Happy BarfDae To Me

hello finally 17, finally 20 Aug 2004..
Hahaha..anyway, im at home, very with the rest of the world. He did not even..never mind. Here are barfdae wishes:

1. To Be Happy All The Time.
2. To See My Family, healthy, happy and quarrel free.
3. All to be happy and united.
4. No more fights, no more blurs.
5. School to be enjoyable and fun always.
6. My cat just typed b & v on the com
7. Haha..I wish to stay this happy..
8. Secret wish: To have just one chance to see HER just one more time..Even in my dreams..to hold her and just see her. I miss her a lot.. SO i wanna see her just one more time..Just once.Even in my dreams would be ok... Miss you achik. wish youwere here. It feelsn so bad without you..
9. Then i want to have world peace!! PEACE OUT!!

:: Contented With Life ::

hello there sweet babey,
school was excellent today..how can it not be..with pple like ain, adnan, warric, sally, pei fen, nicholas, shikin, ila, jasmine..and of course my sweet darlin abang, JaWorm[Racheal Jason Chua] how can i not be contented with life. tmr's the big day. nothign fancy just a simple lalala and heyheyhey.. thats all..no lah..was just thinking of family celebration tmr and i hope i can do a lil twist to the family..2nd barfdae without my beloved achik.. it has been a blast living with her.. now she's gone..i'll always miss her but i'll miss her the most when it is my birthday or hers. in fact in any happy moments..she'll be there.. i noe it..watching over me.. i noe she is.. just that i dun see her..[most of the time]....so c'est la vie..that's life.. u love them..then u lose them... it's like that..you can never have something or someone u love for long...so happy moments come and go..
*KhaD*

Danny II 

Daniel Radcliffe: The Love Of My Life That I Will Never Lose 

Grrrr....Whips!

I am So mad!!
Can you believe it? 5 days.. 5 Days! I didnt talk to him and he puts Away when he comes online!!Replied..but only for 3 minutes!What the hall is going on inside the man's head? Well, i've missed him obviously and urgh! i dunno wad to sae, what to do about it.. perhaps just to leave it like that.It's so sickenening...It breaks my heart..i told him he'll do it, i told him he'll break my heart. urgh...haiz...nothing to say..love makes u high when u do...kills you when u dont.. well i have got school later..at 12 noon..so will catch ya later if there are any updates..i really missed you mark..

.:: Professor Signs In 17::.

3 days to go..
Hahaha..My bdae is coming soon On channel 5.. cheh..no lah..
anyway.. happy days..u noe wad..?I just discovered something new.. NR0401 is a class with laughing dysfunction.. Ain, shikin & Ila all have a serious problem..their distinctive laughter which rings in my head everytime i think of them.. hahaha....anyway.. im so happy today..three days to go..tmr onli got one hour of school..cos pple got practical assessment. today i had sociology test..MCQ..it was ok.. didnt have much problem..i think.. ok..see ya..Ciao Bella..Oh BTw...Im still missing Mark..Lovez..

Sad, Sad, Sad...

It has been ages since i last talked to Mark. Dreamt about him yesterday..i miss him alot alot.. sob Sob..anyways, yesterday was just basically staying at home and not duin much...bored myself to death with books on scitzophrenia and psychiatry...the books were damned good. anyway..im really into that stuff.. hehe. looks like ive planned my future career. guess. anyway..mark..i miss you loads and loads.. miss tokin to ya...miss chattin with ya..missed ya tha most. *sigh* Anyway, i have school today and mom forgot my pocket money.. again..stupid..have to go to granny's to get it...how dumb and tiring.. ok...catha some other time...

Signing off,
.::Professor Of Bitchiology::.

::||\Living a Life I Loath/||::

hearing things inside my head...
today i went to watch CATWOMAN at Tampines GV, with Ain, Adnan, JaWorm and Ah Boi.. it was ok lah..nothing special or anything just wanted to catcha movie. it was after the mask fitting..can u believe that pei fen came at 0930+ instead of the 0900 schedule? haha.. then we did the mask spray test or wadeva..DISGUSTING..all hu can still remember the taste in ur throat and feel nauseastic say AYE!!! it was that horrible yahz..anyway i went o granny hse today and i just came back home...fever gone and no rashes..so hopefully i dun have dengue.. 06 days to go lah..17 in06 days...haha..ok thts it for today.."THEY" are asking me to stop right here ladies and gentleman....Khad

....cont'd...Scritzophrenia...

...i see dead people..they disturb me but there's nothing that i can do..it's not something trivial..but there's no one that can help. None..i'm all alone.. thts the way life is..alone and dark. it gets worse when i feel weak.. it gets worse when i m alone. a freak..walking seeing things tht others dont and pretending they are not there when they just look at me. Scritzophrenia...thts wat the doctors said it was.. nothing fancy..lay man's term...I see dead pple.. it hurts..because no one believes me.. no one knows about it...now u do...so wad? you're gonna call me a freak too?

Fever, Sick & Aches

Helo, 13 Aug it is..
Wwll, im not going to school today, bcos i am sick.fever with temperature of 38.9 deg.cel, and i am aching all over. i feel a lil better this morning, fever has subsided and everything else is still there. skipping school, was not wat i wamted but but the bloody doc gave me an MC and asked me to stay at home and fully rest. so i will. so i will....poly is like so very tedious. i was sick probably due to themany homeworks and presentations we have to do yah...too hectic.. especially with exams coming up for me in week 7 & 8.. boy is it a killer.. but i will be missing a lot of lectures today bcos of that stupid doctor..but nvm..at least i get the rest i so longed for...ok thts abt it for this entry..see ya..tata..
Khad

Kumar & JunBin 

.:\Tired And Blushing/:.

well well well...another hectic day..was in school till 1930...studying..believe it? you'd better cos i really was lah..er..actually today's entry was supposed to be about the Mr Marc A Kelly but i was browsing thru the net and i saw kumar's friendster display pic..
He was with JB..jun bin..the cute ex.. haha. i was er..how should i sae this..impressed?attracted? ok..
he grew cuter.. so cute...ok not cute..handsome..heart racing.. well it was so.. damn handsome now lor.. tick tock...bop bop bop[heartbeat] anyways..memories are coming back but lol.. we both gotta move on.. let it be just the memories and me lah..any frens reading this.. forget it ok..it's just a momentarily thingy... but still find him DAMN handsome now...whatever it is.. pic above.. the one in blue...beside is my bro..kumar.. ok?
Heart still pain...stupid me..ARGH!! why why why...hand itchy go and open the stupid page.. but nvm la.. see liao...heart race liao..nvm..ok thts it...[heart still beating]....
Khad

-=Bitchiology=-

ok... 10 august it is..loving morning and wad better way to start my day with mark..Lalala Dee Dum.. Haha..any way i had a great weekend. around family members. they were here all weekend i was so happy.. eating and laughing.. prime minister Goh Chok Tong was leaving this year...m quite sad about it... he did a great job "bringing Singapore up" and would continue to do so if it hadnt been for a take over..darn. Well, cheers to the man and god bless him. Yam Seng! actuallie i wanted to cry when he gave his National day message yesterday. Seriously patriotic yesterday and maybe more years to come.. Home.. No place like it.
erm anyway im quite fed up about havin to go to school today...S***....my bros are still sleeping man...wont wake till 2pm er so.. D***!! Why wHy WhY?! wad kind of system is this? tertiary instuitions should be given fair treatment!! Why wHy WhY!! Why the cruelty..wouldnt kill to have another day off..aye? Anyway.. school doesnt end till 1800 today! Can u believe that?! Urgh! I cant. i hope i leave b4 those brats wake up..or they'll be the death of me.. ok thts it..will fill ya in when i have the time.

-=[Khadiology: Remembers a lost love!]=-
as dated from journal: 15th June 2003

I am moving on..new start, new life. Happy with friends, celebrity life, new boyfriend. it was like a whole new ne...except deep wounds still remained. everything old i threw and wanted to start a fresh. Seriusly i threw it all.. but no matter how hard i try, no matter how bz or occupied i was, in a big crowd, or esp when i was alone, she never really went away. She was still there. for me, for us, even thou she's no longer ard.
when i m in a crowd, i see her face, the ever smiling woman i have ever, or will ever noe in my life. sometimes i think i that see her at every turn i make, walking ard the corner, going away. sometimes just a couple of metres away from her, but whenever i make a move to come closer or each out for her, she drifts, she goes away from me. it happens everytime i take a step closer. it gets worse in the dark, when i am asleep. i get to see her, feel her, know that she's always there watching. when im alone in the dark, she be watching...keeping me company..sometimes ard..watching over my safety. wishing doesnt do much. but sometimes i just wished that i could have a minute with her. to talk to her. to ask her if she went away knowing i loved her. to tell im sorry i didnt went over to her house the night before she died. it feels quite distant knowing that i can no longer hear her , feel her, hug her, kiss her, feel her warmth and touch. a determined strong willed woman.not to mention filial and responsible.

Let me tell you...bring u to her death bed... 10th June 2003, 0351

My heart beats fast. Memories flocked my mind, regret and gratefulness swipe over me. there isnt anything in this world that i wouldnt give other than my kin, just to see her again...even if it is just for a day. Why didnt i go and see her when she wanted to... she knew she was going..she knew.. and she tried telling me.. she wanted to see me before she died.. but my selfishness ..

I woke up that night in the wee hours of the morning, all restless, a foreboding cloud of bad omen embracing me. everyone was in a rush. the world was spinning madly, so fast. i felt so rushed, my adrenaline of fear and only fear coulded my eys amd surrounded me. my entire universe was spinning by then. thou it was never going to stop. It was her!! SHE WAS LEAVING!!.She was Leaving US!! "
Run KHAD RUN!!! So i ran..
Running out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, running as fast my legs could carry me. i could hear my heart thumping hard aginst my chest. pulse and blood gushed thru my veins rapidly. every single organ and cell in mt body wa sawake and blanketed by fear and worry.
"something wasn't right! something is going!" i refused to be pessimistic and continued my odessy. upon reaching destination, the atmosphere was a mourning, teary and fearful one. as i entered the door, i felt as if my heart was going to pop out of my ribcage. every step i took was like walking on a bed of nettles, each more painful than the last. i was trying to fight back my fears and tears but to no avail. my emotions gave way as i stepped into her room. my parents, grandparents and cousins were all there, reciting from the Quran. she jus lay there stationery, her body was drained from chemotheraphy.even her eyes were already yellow, pupils were dilated her limbs werea s cold as ice. she was just looking towards the wall opposite of her bed. Granny guided her to recite the Syahaddah and she did. i could no longer contain my anger and tears. I held her hand and whispered i love u into her ears and ask for her forgiveness. I held her hand..there at that moment, she closed her eys, took one final breath, she gripped my hand tight and she left. She did...
SHE LEFT US ALL!!
Her lips were no longer moving, her grip loosened her pulse stopped. She was gone. she left us all behind. she left her parents, left her siblings, left her children, she left ME.
her life was a misery, a wonderful woman, led a misery. her only happiness and joy were her children, who loved her dearly, never had a father(that bastard left for jail). She wante to travel more, she wanted to go places. i wanted to show her my Os result, wanted to tell her that i was going to be a nurse like her. i wanted to thank her for motivating me in my O levels. but she had left. she 's gone faraway where mails doent reach. this time her departure, doesnt mean she is not coming back. She cannot come back.
We lost her and felt and empty space in our hearts. Was her departure for the best? If she had stayed, the pain would be greater, she would have to endure more pain living thru each other wondering if she would see sun rise tmr.. Her departure meant that she was free from pain. she didnt have to go thru the greatest pain that was yet to come. She left for a better place. She's done her part on earth. Now, she has to go back.

-=[Khadiology: Crying Is Part Of Learing]=-
She cant, She Doesnt have, She's lost.
She only has one. She feels alone.
She cant walk, not run, she is still...
She doesnt have have the will..
so everybody scolds her.. Everybody did.
She's lost her mother, she is still young.
She hasnt got a father, she only has her young sister.
Taken care of, loved by everyone,
However, everyone needs a mother.
Everyone needs a guardian angel.
I'm glad i still have mine. She does not.

She feels alone, all that she has, reminding her of her mom,
was a letter, a remembrance from her mother,
a message before she left. It was her life,
It was precious. Little did i noe that she turns to that
small piece of letter to make her remember her mother.
i felt so useless and angry at myself for making her remember her mother.
She shouldnt have to..she was all tears yesterday..

The letter, she hugged on to it like it was her life..It is..
Only for her eyes to see, only for her heart to feel.
a young lost a love, the only comfort she knows of.
she's lost a mother. she lost, an orphan.
" Only For Siti, Remember...."
What could i have done to stop her tears and wash away her sorrows?
None. I just stared at the power of a lil letter that made her remember her mother.
there was nothing that i could do.

she had a letter, a final message from her mother before she left..
i didnt have anything but her pictures, memories and a card..
I didnt even had a final chat before she left..
Because i was so selfish, so self-centered and ignorant
Tot she had one more day, tot she had JUST one more day
It was all that i ever needed. I didnt even have that..
I t was all my fault..I treasure wad i have right now..

Stud.Sexy Gentleman!! & mine.. 

Mark A Kelly 

Mark 

-=Anatomy Of Khadiology=-

i'm so in love with him..
this kelly i tell u about.
he is a man, a gentleman.
one u will nvr find even in a million years..
im so lucky...dun noe why all this luck...
but i got lucky and fortunate..
im on cloud nine, he makes me feel that way.

he is one in a google..
smart and funny,
nice and caring..
really a perfect gentleman..
wont find another like him
till the next man in a google.
not for a century, maybe millenium
i can assure you that..
the man's a god..well, im not..
fantasies, fantasies..if u work hard enuf,
fantasies do come true..
mine just had..
in the form of
Marc A Kelly...