The Easter Bunny drops In

17 weeks into pregnancy and being in New Zealand as a Newlywed. Things were sore and stressful and perhaps now, it is starting to look up for us. I guess this is marriage. A calm peaceful one doesn't always mean it is better. Giving in at times but it is also about fighting for what you want. You should have expectations from your spouse or else, what is the point of spending the rest of your life with just one person?

Take me for example. Hell yes we fight and yell at each other. Yes, we drive each other crazy to the point of physical pain but there is always that one voice inside our head or heart that reminds us why we said yes in the first place. Then we stop, we walkaway for a breather and we move on. Sometimes the pain SEEMS to much to bear but the sweeter memories hold a greater power over us.

To tell you the truth, there is a lot that I want and sometimes I can be so ungrateful and oblivious to it. I may think I show him that I care enough but I don't. My husband is an amazing man. I am 23 years old. I have never lived on my own, never had to struggle for anything but for which type of cab I should take or what dress I should wear. Never had to make sacrifices and until I met him, I never really knew what it means to be in a relationship. He is a stranger to fighting for what you want and believe in but it is because I am so spoilt and adamant that we are together.

Today, I realize why I chose him. Despite our fights and hurtful words, he managed, in our barely manageable situation, to let me experience my childhood and bring joy to my day. I woke up rushing the cats outside so they wont do anything naughty in the house. I ran past a beautiful surprise that was waiting for me on the dining table... This.

I was so excited and felt like I was 5 again. Ran back into the bedroom and jumped on my husband to kiss him all over to thank him. My Easter Bunny had dropped by!! The card said to work for my prize and I went on my hunt.

Discovering so many wonderful surprises that marks his hard work and efforts to make it enjoyable and meaningful. I got so much more than I had hoped for, more than enough to make up for 23 years of going without having to know what it was like to celebrate Easter as a kid. His words in the written card were heartfelt. Not because it was poetic or anything but because it was rare. I felt engulfed in my own heart. I wished I had all the money in the world to make his dreams come true.

As we sat for lunch, which he made, he had mentioned the wonderful traditions that Marie had done for him and his brothers and how he wanted the same for our child. I felt so blessed and proud that I was carrying his baby. Bad timing, or not. I was going to be the mother of his 1st born child. OUR baby. He didn't have champagne but instead drank with me the sparkling bubbly grape juice. I couldn't have asked for a lovelier way to experience my first Easter.

Starting 2011 off... With a nag!

Been 3 months into 2011 and so far I must say I am not enjoying it at all. I've moved to New Zealand and the house, the kittens, the nature has all been all so beautiful like I expected it to be but everything else is a drag. Immi-fucking-gration is taking their own sweet time to process a simple work visa so that ultimately delays me getting a job and making money.

Tell me something darling....

I love you. We're officially living together now and despite all the fights we have, i still want to stay with you. You're the last thing that I wish to see before i go to sleep and the first thing i want to look at when i roll over in bed in the morning. You're a Mystery Gift Box, worth way too much but all worth it. Time and time again, you always manage to outdo me. You must feel so misunderstood when all you ever wanted to do was please me. Believe me darling, you do. In more ways than one.

I've asked for this my entire life as a dreamy and lost teenager. A man who knows how to make smile and who knows where to touch. Not only physically but spiritually as well. Our first trip to Bali was amazing. Then there was KL... you managed that all on your own. When you made France happen, I knew i wanted to be with you no matter what. Even if you didn't ask me to marry you. I'd still stick with you all the way.

France was amazing, it was magical and I'm not talking about disneyland. I don't know what it is exactly but with the beautiful view, the coldness, the clear blue skies and the castle, I just fell more in love with you. You drive me crazy, you make me wanna punch you when you humiliate me, you make me wanna cry when you yell at me but i still love you. god knows why but I honestly do. Nothing in the world will change my mind.

I am so very proud of you Pierre. I really am. You accept me for who I am, flaws, fats and all. You took me in when i had nowhere to go and you taught me so much about life that i was oblivious about. You tore down the armor that was built to shelter me and you replaced it with your arms that protected and strengthened me. I can always count on you to be there for the laughter AND at the same time feel secure enough to trust you to be there when there is pain. =D

if ever i made you feel bad, i am very sorry.

I will love you to my very best and beyond. Love you darling.

Sid

2010- Just A few More Months

Lately...

-the one place that i can write and strangers would read my blog..

can i tell you something? "Happy Birthday To Pierre BTW."

This is my first entry after so many months maybe close to a year. I've made my choices now the ripple effects are starting to appear. Firstly, my family has been better now.. just the immediate ones. then there are those few who can't keep their noses out of other people's business.. some that are just plain backstabbing and two-faced. Otherwise, mom and dad have been swell and supportive of my choices. Love you Dad, Love you Mom. even my brothers are cool now.

It's finally 2010 and I'm moving away next year. It's very exciting for me, although honestly, it does not come without fear and uncertainty. Have to take IELTS, get married, change my passport. settle career, somewhere to stay. Need someone to believe in me. rather than press me and yell at me which won't get me anywhere. It's not helping.

2009 was great. don't feel like writing in now.. sorry will update again later. ciao!

Time it changes everything

Make Smile.

it has been a long while since i last updated this blog.

definitely alot has been going on in my life but this is no one wants their life to be THAT open for the world to read like a book.

everything at work was so hectic, shit luck at work. it came down to tendering my resignation or push through the obstacles, which of course came with some scarifices and shitty time from superiors and colleagues. in my industry you cant afford to slip. i've learnt my lesson. so i started to pay a lil bit more attention to my work and it is starting to pay off. of course im juggling between that and spending time with my boyfriend.

then at home, well.. not exactly heaven at first. went through the mini version of hell with mom and dad. so far it has settled down. have to win back their trust. not really sure what they want from me till now. but i'll make do with what i THINK they expect of me.sigh. growing up is such a pain in the neck. i had huge fights with my parents, screaming slapping, i almost ran away from home.

a few surprises in the matters of the heart. time really changes everything. if you sit down and really think about what matters to you, you wont find much. it's how much value other people place on a certain position, thing or incident that makes us worry about the things we do.

ive come to care about you more than i thought i would. i did try to forget you but you're THAT significant that i just cannot. when i rest i will be thinking of you, when i sleep i will be dreaming of you. you're that someone whom i cant wait to see everyday and spend every single minute of my day with. please do not mistake my naiveness for obliviousness. i know what is it that people say, i know what it really is but i chose to trust you and trust you i will. believing in you despite what i hear. innocent until proven guilty. despite everything, you're still here with me, you hold me when i cry, you make smile. you're someone i can lean on, someone i'd trust my life with, except in the open sea. =) i hope that one day you can think of me that way, you can trust me that much.

Quick to give, Slow to take. Wasnt so pleasant, wasnt a mistake.

When You are down, Grab a Girlfriend & Fly HIGH!!

Khad On SkyRide Irmalia On Skyride

The Test
This was the story that i was telling u about. Quick to give, i dont care if i lose a lot. so long as u are happy.. its all material and im not really material. after all whatever we have in this world, will just be with us until our last breath after which all possessions wud belong to others who are left behind.
At my death bed, what i really want, is to remember that i had a good life, that i make people smile, i make people laug. That smile that you give, is the memory i will bring to my grave.
When i lie, it will be because i do not want to hurt you, it will be because i'm protecting you from the nasty reality and i will be trying to fix the situation while i keep you smiling. Until things get better, for both you and i. What you dont know, wont hurt you and i definitely do not wish to hurt you. ....Truly.


The Recovery
then came a point of time i had to leave. i cannot hold not to something that isn't mine. so as usual, i'll be the girl with the broken smile. walking around with the plastered happiness that hides a broken heart lined with sorrow.
So while i spend my nights alone, trying to bounce back from this fall, i realized, i cannot lose something that was not mine in the first place. it was all so ironic. the more i thought about it, the funnier it becomes.
An aching heart that is trying to laugh and pretend it is ok. it hurts even more that way. did u know that? i bet you didnt. I got a friend to help me recover from this. someone whom i know will NEVER cheat, will NEVER lie to me, who will NEVER hurt me knowingly. That friend who will not say things to bring me down intentionally. Irmalia Ismail.

GET REAL!!

"the truth is, Irmalia & Khad, we compliment each other very well.

She carries the umbrella, i'll carry the camera. =)"

Malia is the soft looking one, who has got a head-strong attitude and doesnt forgve easily.

Khad is the tough looking one, who is soft inside, forgives easily, gets hurt easily

but no matter how hard Khad falls or how angry Malia gets, I will be there for her, and in turn, Malia is with me every step of the way. She is the negative side of the battery with her anger and me? Im the plus sign on the other side. Together... we work pretty well. We really do. tell the world not to come in between. there isnt any space left.

So ok.. until here then. Until later..

Ps: i told u the climax will give me a plunge i will never forget.

Khad

Salut!

hello again.. been eons since i last visited or posted an entry. almost forgot about this darn blog

1- life. has been a rollercoaster ride. which is excellent and exactly the way i like it.

keeps me entertained and the adrenaline rush. wow. u cant possibly imagine it. climax period has been almost the entire of april. but trust me the plunge into abyss will come soon. i know it will. so towards this end im just preparing and bracing myself for it. so while it lasts ladies and gentleman, im gonna make it worth while.

"this is springtime of my youth. and someday when im older, i will have stories to share at the rehab center with all my friends."

2- love. its been like that, will stay like that. i will not change a thing about it, its something permanent. its a global issue ladies and gentleman.

3- work sucks. althou im on leave right now. i dread going back to work. but so far it has been tolerable. the work environment is. i need to brush up and pay attention to my work a bit more i guess. i can do it and i will.

4- current updates on me?

HAVENT I BEEN TELLING YOU?? lol. planning a HAWKSTARZ reunion on 2nd May 6pm.

ciao! see ya when i see ya!

Khad.